Listen — Ask Audrey: The dulcet tones of Neil Prendeville are his idea of a 'sexy soundtrack'

As long as it's not that luadramán Dave MacArdle talking about his home run hit on RedFM

Ask Audrey has been sorting Cork people out for ages.

It’s getting sweaty on our WhatsApp group Douglas Road Stunners Who Are Going to Nail your Ass to the Wall in the Back to School Spending Contest. Laura_3inPres said it’s getting harder and harder to fork out 2 grand a child on back-to-school essentials when all the supermarkets are offering huge discounts. 

Fifi_Ditzy said "totes agree, it’s getting cheaper and cheaper to buy a ruler" but I think she might have been talking about bribing a politician. Anyway, Dixie_JustBackFromDubai said she found this artisan craft micro-factory in west Clare where their passion is a 400% mark-up on hand-made uniforms that they bought in from Sri Lanka. 

Their brand name is 2Rich4School, genius and it’s basically a way of screaming “Get a load of this bee-atch” at left-behinds from Ballinlough. As you’d expect, Dixie was banned from our WhatsApp group until Christmas for buying something from Clare. But there’s obviously a nice bit of moola if you can target top-drawer types like ourselves who spend our days thinking up new ways to use our kids to ram our wealth down other babes’ throats. 

Do you think I should open a boutique back-to-school shop #BabesInBusiness?

— Jenni, Douglas Road

I rang the Posh Cousin there and asked her how much she used to spend on back-to-school. She said, about 8 grand a year, I’m still spending it. I said, "but your two are finished school." She said, "I know, but I don’t want people to think I’m short of money."

Hello, it’s Rosealeen here in Ballydesmond. Myself and Berna have a good laugh at Suzi Godson’s sex advice in the Irish Examiner every week. I said to her; "Berna, I’ve come across a fair few gowls in the dating game, but they’re nothing compared to the problems you get in your one’s column every week." 

Berna read out a recent letter from a dame whose boyfriend liked to have the radio on while they were doing the business — we nearly had to lash on the adult nappies, we were laughing so hard at it. Well, for the love of Cromwell, but I think I might have jinxed myself. 

I was so keen to find a man last week I joined a hill-walking group in south Limerick, what was I thinking? Well, didn’t I meet a very well-groomed gent from Kilfinane, will wonders never cease? He can do this amazing thing with his small toe, I won’t go into details in a public forum, but unfortunately, he insists on having the wireless on in the background when we’re getting jiggy with it. 

It’s hard to get in the groove when you’re forced to listen to that luadramán Dave MacArdle talking about his home run hit on Red FM. Is there a polite way to say, ‘turn off that wireless you daft gowl?

— Rosealeen, Ballydesmond

I had a similar problem with My Conor. He liked having Neil Prendeville on in the background during the bangy, and one morning this one phoned in and said her husband was terrible in the sack. My Conor stopped and said, would you ever put down the phone and stop telling everyone our business.

Now listen up Paddy. I’ve moved out of Mayfair for the summer, bit of trouble with a filly, best friend’s wife, fill in the gaps for yourself. I’m staying in the old family place in West Cork, there’s nothing I enjoy more than strolling down to the village after breakfast, saying hello to Mossie and Nora in the post office and then straight back up home to have a giggle with Mummy about their little accents. 

I’m just back from my morning stroll now and they were rather short with me, which is not without risk on their part, as I am their evil landlord. It all started when Mossie asked me for my views on Michael Collins. This is a tricky subject with Saint Collins dead a 100 years, and I didn’t want to say what I really think — I can see the headlines in your local rag, 'Churchill’s Cousin calls Collins a sex-addict terrorist in West Cork Post Office.’ So I said ‘he went too soon’ and squeezed out a nice little tear. Wrong answer. 

Nora started screaming at me in her gibberish, something about selling out to the Brits and never trusting that shower from Clonakilty, so I had to make a hasty retreat. What should I say if someone asks me about Collins?

— Lord Edmund D’Servant-Spanker, London and West Cork

Dangerous territory. If someone asks me for a view on Saint Mick in West Cork, I tell them that Liam Neeson was dead hot in the movie. That usually confuses them long enough for me to do a legger.

C’mere, quick one. The old doll turned to me after the Man United-Liverpool match on Monday night and she says, I’m switching to Man U because I do have the hots for their new midfielder Christian Eriksen. I suppose he’s kind of cute alright in a non-threatening way. 

I’m allergic to her treachery and I can only think of one solution. Can you call Jurgen Klopp, he do manage Liverpool, and tell him to sign a hot midfielder? It would help if he could play a bit too.

— Dowcha Donie, Blackpool

I rang Jurgen Klopp there. I said, Dowcha Donie’s old doll has switched to Man United. He said, that sounds like a good idea, I might do that myself.