Ask Audrey: They're all wizards in the sack, the Dubs

Sorting out Cork people for ages
Ask Audrey: They're all wizards in the sack, the Dubs

Ask Audrey has been sorting Cork people out for ages.

C’mere, how do you become a top-ranking public servant? I heard on Joe Duffy during the week that top-ranking public servants are going to get a 15% pay rise. Joe was raging because if they get another few rises like that, they’ll nearly earn as much as he does. I won’t go for Joe’s job because I couldn’t be listening to gomies from Offaly ringing in to complain how they got caught on a tarmacadam scam, but the top-ranking public servant gig looks right up my alley. 

From what I can see, the job mainly involves refusing to talk to reporters on the way into some tribunal of investigation, and then when you get in there, saying it was all someone else’s fault. I don’t think I’d need years of training to do that. Budgie says that I’m mad as the Man from Macroom, that those jobs are like hens’ teeth, but come on, like, it’s time they got the ordinary man in at the top so he can tell all the posh langers working for him the way things really are. (I don’t mind the ordinary woman getting a job in there either, as long as she dolls herself up a bit) 

So like, it’s all about who you know at this level, and the only person I know is Budgie and he’s close to useless. Could you arrange a meeting with Micheál Martin and I’ll make the case for the Ordinary Man?

— Dowcha Donie, Blackpool 

I called into the Posh Cousin’s pad on the Blackrock Road and asked if she could pull a few strings. She said, there’s no point Audrey, Micheál is already pretending to be the Ordinary Man. I said, but he lives in Ballinlough. She said, exactly!

Hello, it’s Rosealeen here in Ballydesmond. I remember growing up when The Dubliners would be on telly and I’d think, I bet you there’s an awful smell off them with their badly-kept beards and secondhand suits. That put me off Dublin men for life until Berna said she saw a survey online that said they’re like wizards in the sack, so didn’t I join up this dating app called Youse Culchies Don’t Know what Yiz are Missing, Wha! 

It wasn’t long before I was messaging this chap called Steveo, I asked him if that was Steve with an O at the end, and he said, no, that’s his brother, his own actual name is Steveo. The Dubs are daft but didn’t I suggest we have an old meeting anyway this weekend so I can check out his wizard in the sack credentials, and didn’t he suggest that I go up to Dublin and we could go to the football match in Croke Park, Cork vs Dublin. 

I said grand — but I’m not going up in Hill 16, it’s full of Dublin taxi drivers and he says, I’m a Dublin taxi driver, and that was awkward for a while I can tell you, but long story short, I’m going to stand on Hill 16 this Saturday and I’m dreading it. Do you think I should keep my mouth shut?

— Rosealeen, Ballydesmond 

I’m friends with the Dublin rep at the Irish Association of Agony Aunts and Uncles, his name is Steveo as well. I said, what’s your advice to a Ballydesmond woman on Hill 16? He said, shout for Dublin? I said, ‘for safety reasons?’. He said, ‘no, for being on the winning side-reasons, wha.' #CockyDubs 

Now, listen up Paddy. I’ve just come from a meeting of the British Establishment, where we gave each other a good old thrashing until our bottoms were red-raw and agreed that it didn’t do us any harm. (Except for Fishy Osbourne who cried for an hour because he misses Nanny.) Anyway, someone mentioned a rail strike here in England, something to do with trains, which I’m told are rather popular with the lower orders. 

The staff are going on strike and it’s all the fault of some union leader called Mick Lynch. It was agreed we’d attempt to paint this Lynch as some kind of crazy commie — when I put ‘Mick Lynch’ into Google, it came back with ‘must be from Cork with a name like that.’ So do you have any dirt we can use on this Lynch character?

— Lord Edmund D’Servant-Spanker, London.

I rang my mother there and said, how many Mick Lynches are there in Cork? She said, as many arseholes as there are in the British Establishment. I said, that many?!!

It’s getting very eco-aware on our WhatsApp group, Douglas Road Stunners Who Are Switching to Electric Cars Even Though We Barely Notice the Price of Petrol. 

Lorna_Hippy messaged me yesterday and told me I’m out of the group AND tennis club if I don’t get rid of my panda-killing diesel car, even though it’s a very passable Mercedes. I was going to reveal what Her Ken got up to on that golf trip to Portugal, but she’ll know that My Ken told me and I don’t want to get him in trouble. So Audrey, what’s a suitable entry-level electric car for a Douglas Road stunner?

— Jenni, Douglas Road 

It’s the Douglas Road Jenni, so you can’t go far wrong with a Volvo. I’m told that their electric models deliver a great old ride, which is what Bronagh Cremin-Buckley said about your Ken when they hooked up in Portugal.

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