Listen - Ask Audrey: With the rise of Sinn Féin, everyone had a grand-uncle at Kilmichael

Sorting out Cork people for ages
Listen - Ask Audrey: With the rise of Sinn Féin, everyone had a grand-uncle at Kilmichael

Ask Audrey has been sorting Cork people out for ages.

Hello it’s Rosealeen here in Ballydesmond. Brits out! I went on a date with a political scientist in Fermoy on Tuesday night, I think they might have finally discovered a cure for insomnia. It was touch and go if I’d fall asleep into my soup, cream of mushroom, Jesus you’d be wasting your time looking for cordon bleu in the town of Fermoy! This lad was about as exciting as an afternoon watching Oireachtas TV without a drink on you, I nearly refused the offer of a canoodle in his car afterwards, but it would have been a shame to drive all that way for nothing. I was getting back into the Spanx afterwards when he started talking about the women being on top in Sinn Féin, north and south, and did I ever think of getting into politics? The only thing I was thinking of was getting away from him, but when I got home didn’t I ring Berna to tell her feck the begrudgers, Rosealeen from Ballydesmond is going to run for Sinn Féin in whatever constituency we live in, what do I need to do to make sure I win? She said you’ll want to puff up your republican credentials, tell them your grand-uncle was at Kilmichael. Is that a good idea, tell me?

— Rosealeen, Ballydesmond.

My cousin is a political scientist, he thought the date went very well, the eejit. I asked him if Berna’s suggestion was a good idea. He said, not really, with the rise of Sinn Féin, everyone had a grand-uncle at Kilmichael – it’s amazing the Brits didn’t spot them.

C’mere, how do I get my old doll back from the Johnny Depp trial thing on YouTube? It’s putting a fierce strain on things . We’ve been together now for over five years – like everyone else in a long-term relationship, we don’t have anything left to talk about except shows that we watch together on the telly. Particularly since we went to counselling and it emerged that she doesn’t want to talk about Liverpool football club for three hours a day. I thought she was well into it, but maybe I was just seeing what I wanted to see. Anyway, our share d telly-watching experience has disappeared recently, because all she wants to do is watch live coverage of that Johnny Depp and Amber Heard trial. I watched it for five minutes with her, but she was allergic to the way I kept saying Johnny Depp is after getting very old looking, because she always had a thing for him, so now I’m banished to my own chair. And there I sit, alon e every evening, listening to my old doll making bitchy comments during Amber Heard’s testimony. I know better than to open my mouth, because I’m on Team Amber from the bits I’ve heard, and my old doll gets fierce ratty if you don’t bow down before her Johnny. So like, is there anything to be said for going back to counselling? 

— Dowcha Donie, Blackpool

My friend is a relationship counsellor, we don’t mention the fact that he’s on his third wife. I said, what are the benefits of counselling in this situation? He said, I get 150 quid an hour for saying “And how does that make you feel?”

Now listen up Paddy. I’ve just come from a meeting of the British Establishment, where a very stern woman in her 50s came in and flattened us with savage put-downs because we never fail to get aroused by memories of dear old Nanny. Bunty Von Party Animal, this month’s codename for Boris, said his plan to hand over Northern Ireland to the Micks is going exceedingly well and all going well you should have your united Ireland by the end of the decade. We’ll be sorry to see the DUP going, said no one, because they are as embarrassing as finding out that one’s great- grandfather didn’t own any slaves . Some duke or other from Edinburgh said good riddance to the Paddys and we all shouted, you’re next Jock and the evening ended with us all pretending to be Spitfires. I suppose what I’m trying to say is that the old UK thing is coming to a close and I’ve been instructed to tell you Paddies that we have a special offer this month on Scotland and Wales. Could you get ask your man Coveney if he’s interested in taking them off our hands before we go and offer them to the Frogs?

— Lord Edmund D’Servant-Spanker, London.

I don’t have Simon Coveney’s contact details, so I asked my Conor if he has a number for Foreign Affairs. He says I try to have at least two every year, h ow about you? I said, 14.

It’s getting awkward on our WhatsApp group Douglas Road Stunners Who Think It’s a Bit Carrigaline to Follow the Wagatha Christie Trial But We’re Doing it Anyway. Fifi_HempJumpSuit said she’d hate if anyone leaked what goes on in our chat group, and yes Jenni I’m talking to you, with your letters into that Audrey one in the Examiner. Do you think I should sue her for libel?

— Jenni, Douglas Road

Sorry now Jenni but you’ve been spilling the beans on the Douglas Road Stunners every week for the last couple of years. You’re about as good as keeping a secret as Wayne Rooney is at keeping it in his pants.

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