Ask Audrey: 'What's the story with being threatened by a gomie on Russian TV?'

Sorting out Cork people for ages
Ask Audrey: 'What's the story with being threatened by a gomie on Russian TV?'

Ask Audrey has been sorting Cork people out for ages.

It’s getting smokey on our WhatsApp group Douglas Road Stunners Whose New Barbecue Cost More than a Semi-D in Rathcormac. Lorna_SeaSwimmer had a barbie the other night, tout la belle Cork was there, or at least everyone who was in our class in Regina Mundi, which is all that matters. 

Lorna’s Ken was showing off new his charcoal barbecue, he told us it was a recommendation from Elon Musk at Davos, which probably isn’t true because her Ken struggles with colossal inadequacy, but you could see it was expensive in fairness. 

Fifi_IncredibleShoulders hosted us all for a barbie last night, and didn’t she pay to have Arcade Fire come out and sing us a few songs afterwards, Fifi isn’t short of the spons after she sold her scone recipe to some gobshite of a lifestyle guru in California. 

Anyway, it’s my turn to host the stunners this weekend and I can’t sleep a wink because our barbie cost 30 quid and my Ken is afraid to take the lid off in case it falls apart. 

This is just the kind of thing that would get me kicked out of the WhatsApp group and I wouldn’t put it past Fifi to spread a rumour that I only went to Christ the King. So, would it be safe to dig a fire-pit and spit-roast a piglet over a petrol flame? 

- Jenni, Douglas Road.

My niece is a doing a PhD on outdoor dining, it’s called How to Give your Friends Food Poisoning. I said, what would you give for guests if you wanted to impress them? She said an actual meal made on the cooker rather than three nuked sausages and tub of coleslaw. #SureHelpYourselves.

C’mere, what’s the story with being threatened by a gomie on Russian TV. The old doll woke me up at 3 am this morning, there was a time when that meant a spot of how’s your father, but now it’s more likely to be something she saw on Facebook. 

This time, it was a video of some lad on Russian TV showing how a sly underwater nuclear missile could be exploded off the west coast of Ireland. At first I thought no problem, it just created a tidal wave that took out Galway and Donegal, no one will miss them. But then the wave just kept going until it took out Cork as well and I was like, hang on a second now Boris or Igor or whatever your name is, there’s no need to take out the third friendliest city in the world, as voted by Condé Nast readers back in 2018. 

I rang Budgie before breakfast and told him that Ireland was going to be destroyed by a huge wave and he said thank God, it will spare any more humiliation for the Cork hurlers, completely missing the point he was. So like, should I be moving to Australia?

- Dowcha Donie, Blackpool.

My friend is an expert on oceans. I said, is there a chance that Cork will end up under water? She said, it’s a certainty. I said, when!??? She said, the next time there is a drop of rain at high tide.

Hello it’s Rosealeen here in Ballydesmond. I was inside in Kanturk last night for a date with a lad from near Banteer, I went all out because Berna hacked into his bank account and there’s no cash there in fairness. Well, you can imagine my surprise when I walked into the restaurant and who was propped up in the chair next to your manno, but his fecking mother, a small firk-face of a woman with an angry look in her eyes. 

Didn’t I rear up at him, saying ‘how dare you drag me all the way into Kanturk with the price of diesel gone mad.’ She just wanted to see what I was getting into, says he. Well, I’ll tell you one thing you won’t be getting into tonight, and that’s my new lacy thong you gobshite, bringing Mammy along on your date. Well, didn’t the manager come over and ask me to leave with all the commotion and I was hardly back in the car when I had separate messages from three ex-boyfriends saying, ‘I hear you got a new lacy thong, girly.’ 

Jesus, you can’t move in north Cork and that’s the truth. Is there anything to be said for taking out an ad in the Examiner saying ‘Rosealeen from Ballydesmond is getting rid of her lacy thong’? 

- Rosealeen, Ballydesmond

I wouldn’t do that. You’ll be plagued by ‘send your thongs to me’ letters from guys in Kinsale. (Trust me on that.)

Guten Tag. This Kerry woman at work has asked me on a date, to go watch Cork play Kerry this weekend in Pairc Ui Rinn. I told my Cork friend and he said, you must not go, the tickets are limited and bitter fans will be saying, what are you doing here Jurgen, I doubt you are from a Gaelic football stronghold in Berlin. I am in love with this girl – what should I do?

- Jurgen, Berlin and Ballincollig

I rang my GAA mad friend No Fault Froggy and said, what should Jurgen do? He said, tell him go and enjoy himself. And I said, what about dyed in the wool Cork football fans? He said, neither of them will mind.

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