Ask Audrey: is it possible Kinsale is no longer the kinky-sex capital of Cork?

Sorting out Cork people for ages

Guten tag begorrah. Just my luck to come to Ireland and end up with friends are that the biggest dryballs in all of Cork. 

At my leaving party in Berlin, my family gave me €5,000 towards the cost of my new liver, because I would surely be drinking my life away with you crazy Irish. (German humour can be both dark and highly practical.)

I have been in training for the drinking session this week, because you lazy Paddies gave yourselves an extra bank holiday to get stuck into the booze. 

But my new Irish buddies are all in their 20s and they seem to have no interest in carrying on the old ways of drinking. 

Three of them are off the sauce for something called Lent and the closest they are going to get to being high is a mountain walk in the Galtees on Saturday. 

Is it for this that the men of 1916 died? Austrians are better craic than this and that’s saying something. 

What’s the best way to find some pissheads that will help me enjoy the rest of the weekend? 

— Jurgen, Berlin and Ballincollig

I rang my friend Straight Talking Sandra and told her your story. She said, there’s a want in that gobshite. I said, why? She said, he can’t find a pisshead in Ballincollig.

Hello it’s Rosealeen here in Ballydesmond. 'Tis true what they say you can’t always believe what you read in the newspaper. 

Like Audrey, you’re always going on in your columns about Kinsale people being mad for the old rumpy-pumpy. 

So I said to myself, Rosealeen from Ballydesmond, it’s high time you went out with one of these Kinsale lads, because my last boyfriend was a de-frocked priest and he was inclined to tut-tut at the kinky crack on account of him still being riddled with the old shame. 

Well didn’t Berna put me on to this dating app for Kinsale lads called Wall2Wall Pervs, and two nights later I opened my door to a beautifully tanned man called Walter, and me in a kimono that would barely cover a lamb chop. 

Feck it, I still have a pain in my ear and it’s not what you think, didn’t he spend the entire evening banging on about his new yacht when he should have been banging on something else, if you see where I’m going. 

Why would you drive from Kinsale to Ballydesmond for that and diesel over €2 a litre. 

So anyway Audrey, I think it might be time for you to check your facts. Is it possible that Kinsale is no longer the kinky sex capital of Cork?

— Rosealeen, Ballydesmond

My cousin Kinky Kate has her finger on the pulse for these matters. I rang her there and said, what’s the perv capital of Cork. She said, Dunmanway is filthy. I said, I know, they haven’t a hope in Tidy Towns.

It’s getting competitive on our WhatsApp group, Douglas Road Stunners Who Are Very Proud of their Ukrainian Refugees. 

Fifi_FierceWarrior said she doesn’t like to boast, but they have taken in a mother and young child from Ukraine and the mother actually went to one of the top schools in Kiev. 

We banned her from the group for six weeks because everyone knows it’s spelled Kyiv, and using the other spelling will make it look like you enjoy a Chicken Kiev, which is very Ballyphehane. 

Orla_DoGood said that’s nothing, the two women she took in have PhDs in microbiology, my God aren’t they fantastic. 

Lorna_Marbs said she won’t be bringing her guest anywhere with her, because she has an incredible taste in clothes and like, you don’t want to get shown up when you’re basically trying to help people. 

I’ve a Ukrainian family arriving over the weekend, no bother to us, we’ve a huge house, my Ken is one of the Hennesseys, #Loaded.

I’d like to make a traditional Cork dish to make them feel welcome, but I don’t know how to work my cooker. 

Do you know anyone who could prepare a plate of bodice? 

— Jenni, Douglas Road

My friend Sarah is a real foodie. I rang her there and said, would you cook a plate of bodice for a Ukrainian family. She said no, those people have suffered enough.

C’mere, what’s the story using your barbecue in March? 

I was putting out the bins earlier on in the week, and what did I get when I stepped out the door but a gorgeous waft of burger from the neighbour’s gaff. 

That’s not on like — I’m going to Tenerife on the pull with Budgie over Easter, so I need to lose some weight. 

The last thing I need now is to get a lip for a cheeseburger on a Monday night — I’ll only pile on the pounds and have to settle for an old doll from Clonmel. 

So like, am I within my rights to tell my neighbour to put away his barbie until I come home?

— Dowcha Donie, Blackpool

It’s a tricky one. My neighbour is a nudist, when he doesn’t have much to be nude about. He took his barbie out this week and I could hear him screaming away from all the spatters. I leaned over the fence and said, would you ever put that thing away? We had a good old laugh about it.

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