Ask Audrey: Marbs is going to be terrific this year without all the oligarchs

Ask Audrey has been sorting out Cork people for ages

C’mere what’s the story with banning the goading of Man United fans? All the crack is gone out of it for Liverpool fans like myself. Like, you wouldn’t do this to a dog. The mate, Budgie, he’s Man U from the age of 4 and he told me in total confidence that he is after a bad bout of the old erectile dysfunction after the latest run of results, culminating in the derby match last weekend. He’s so sick of watching the post-match analysis, he is after getting this recurring dream where Roy Keane is sitting in a chair at the end of his bed telling him that his room is a disgrace and that he needs to shape up or at the very least buy a few of them plastic organiser boxes when they come back into Aldis. I said, Budgie boy, in the spirit of friendship I won’t mention Liverpool’s pursuit of silverware on four fronts, and I will do all in my power to curb the slagging of Man U fans, going forward. I’m writing a charity song called Ye Are the Sad Ones Now – could you give it an old plug? 

- Dowcha Donie, Blackpool.

My Conor is so upset with United that he cancelled his Sky Sports. I said, how are you going to watch them now? He said, through my hands. #Gruesome.

It’s getting toned on our WhatsApp group Douglas Road Stunners Who Will Get the Best Tables in Marbella Because There is a Ban on Russians. Fifi_NewYacht kicked off the Marbella talk on Monday when she posted a GIF of some exploding carbs, which was in bad taste given the situation in Ukraine, but we got the message – Marbs is going to be terrific this year without all the oligarchs. Maisie_Amazey said can you imagine just how classy it’s going to be – out with the incredibly good-looking nouveau riche Russians in their gaudy designer gear, and back in with the crème de la crème of old Cork money down the Douglas Road. We considered banning her for suggesting that nouveau riche Russians are better looking than Douglas Road Stunners, but our heart wasn’t in it because we’re just so happy about getting Marbella back for late spring. (The summer is more for Bishopstown types who shop in Zara.) The only problem is I couldn’t sleep last night with the guilt, worrying if I should be planning a lavish holiday while people are being blasted out of their homes in Ukraine. Would it be a good idea to go to confession before we fly off? 

-Jenni, Douglas Road.

I rang my cousin the priest and said, what would be your advice to a Douglas Road type thinking of going to Marbella? He said, don’t be ridiculous - anyone who’s anyone is heading to Morocco.

Hello it’s Rosealeen here in Ballydesmond. They say you should try something new, but I might have bitten off more than I can chew with the latest boyfriend, and him a rugby player from Douglas no less inside in Cork. This all started with my last fella, a browl Donncha who’s a junior hurler from Lisgoold. Jesus what is wrong with the GAA crowd that they have to start every sentence with the phrase ‘Well, I suppose.’ It isn’t just the big stars you hear interviewed by that gowl Marty Morrissey, you get it at all levels, including junior hurling, which as fairly low down the banana tree. Well, I tell you, it’s no joke getting dressed up in your smalls from Ann Summers only for your boyfriend to say ‘Well, I suppose, we might as well.’ Well I suppose you might as well go back to Lisgoold says I to Donncha , and straight on I went to a dating app called Rugger Huggin’ BogBabes. So now I’m seeing Jack from Douglas, and isn’t he bringing me over to Twickenham with him this weekend for the Irish match. All his friends have actual rugger-hugger girlfriends from Blackrock and you have to admire the way they can speak out of their noses. I’m worried that I’ll make a tool of myself in front of them, I can get a bit messy around the fifth Pornstar Martini. Do you have any advice tell me? 

- Rosealeen, Ballydesmond.

Cancel! If you thought rugby was a vicious sport, wait until you see Blackrock babes patronising someone from north Cork. (I presume you know what patronising means.)

Now listen up Paddy. My client, a Russian gentleman who’d rather not be named, would like to place the following ad in your newspaper. FOR SALE: One Premier League football club and 37 super-cars, will swap for suitable property in the county of Cork. He tells me that anywhere in West Cork would be ideal, to which I replied, you have obviously never been to Dunmanway, you Russian gentleman who’d rather not be named. He’s keen to do a deal next week, so could you assemble suitable buyers and I’ll be in Cork Tuesday morning to give them the once over? 

-Lord Edmund D’Servant-Spanker, London.

I rang the Posh Cousin there and asked if she knew anyone in West Cork that might be interested. She said, what does it entail. I said, meeting a posh English boy who likes spanking. She said, I’ll have an ask around Kinsale. #YouCantGoWrong.

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