Ask Audrey: Is a thermal vest fetish weird, even for Abbeyfeale?

Sorting out Cork people for ages
Ask Audrey: Is a thermal vest fetish weird, even for Abbeyfeale?

Ask Audrey has been sorting Cork people out for ages.

It’s very Gucci on our WhatsApp group, Douglas Road Stunners Who Haven’t Slept for 3 Nights. Fifi_ElectricBMW said I’ve been forcing tears out through the Botox all week babes, after hearing about the masks for 9 year olds - what kind of beast would make a child wear a mask all day, in full knowledge that her classmates will be trying to figure out how much it cost? I mean, you know the way kids are. Clara_Bulgari said her Ken wanted to send their Maxi in with a 5 pack of masks from Aldi to show solidarity with the lower orders in her class and now, she, Clara, has only one question – does anyone know a good divorce lawyer, because My Ken seems happy for people to think that their Maxi is from Ballinlough!? Laura_PrincessOfYoga said she felt really sorry for her Roxy heading off to school this morning, because she’s sitting next to a guy from Carrigaline. Ok, that was bit off topic, but fair play to Laura for having the courage to say it. Anyway, Audrey, where can I get a small facemask that just screams ‘my parents are millionaires’? Jenni, Douglas Road.

I rang the Posh Cousin and said, what’s the best way to show off your wealth with a facemask? She said, don’t wear one – the rules are for little people.

Hello, it’s Rosealeen here in Ballydesmond. It’s after getting fierce cold up here in north Cork, the wind would nearly knock Tony Holohan off his high horse. Berna and myself got stuck into the hot whiskies the other night, it’s cheaper than putting on the heating and loads of craic as long as you don’t have much on the following day. Speaking of not having much on, I was doing an exotic dance for my new boyfriend the other night, he’s from over across in Abbeyfeale, very nice fella actually if you don’t mind the smell of Milky Mints. Anyway, I start peeling off the layers in front of him, hips gyrating, eyes closed, pretending he was Gerard Butler, not the Scottish hunk now, Gerard Butler from Kiskeam, I’ve always had a thing for him. Well didn’t your man ask me to leave my thermal vest on because it’s shocking cold and I said now isn’t the time to be considerate you flaccid gobshite, do you want to see the goods or not? Well didn’t he say then that he was only making up the weather thing, the truth is he has a fetish for thermal vests. Is a thermal vest fetish weird, even for Abbeyfeale? Rosealeen, Ballydesmond

My friend Clodagh is well into the bit of kink, we call her Spanky Spanx. I told her your story and said what do you think. She said, that’s really deviant. I said, the vest? She said, no, having it off with someone from south Limerick. #YouNaughtyGirl

Now listen up Paddy. I’m in love! With one of your lot! It all started when I rang a helpline recently to complain about the fact that Barbados was being given back to the locals, because they no longer felt like bowing to ER II, or the Queen as you probably call her in Paddy Land. The girl who answered said ‘cop yourself on, ya gowl, people starving on the streets and you’re ringing me to say horrible things about Rihanna’. So I said, what’s your name? She said, Fiona, I’m from Cork report away to my manager, I’m only dying to get out of here. I said, I have no intention of it. Let’s meet for lunch, I love a spiky woman. Long story short, she moved into my Mayfair pad on Monday and things are going terrifically well, although I had to have a word after she called the Swedish ambassador a complete ‘gomie’. Unfortunately, marriage is out of the question - our family motto is ‘Take that you Filthy Mick’, so I can’t see mon père giving it the old thumbs up. But I am considering going home with her from Christmas. She tells me she’s from some place called Passage West – will I receive a welcome? Lord Edmund D’Servant-Shagger, Wiltshire and half of Barbados.

My friend lives in Passage. I said, what would ye call Lord Edmund D’Servant-Shagger in Passage West? She said, Eddie. #ZeroRespect

C’mere, what’s the story with burning logs. I’ve started seeing this lefty Posh One from Monkstown, she hates the fact that her father is rich, but not as much as she hates having to get a negative PCR test when she gets back after skiing in the Swiss Alps. She was in my gaff last night so I said bit of romance now, I’ll spark up the stove and pour a nice glass of Rioja, and didn’t she leap up when I lit the fire-lighter and said, I thought that was just for show you filthy Norrie, wrecking the planet. I don’t mind being called a Norrie. But filthy? Nah, boy. So out the gap she went. But like, for future reference – are you not allowed to burn wood in front of posh ones any more? Dowcha Donie, Blackpool

My niece would do anything for the environment except give up flying. I said, where do you stand on log-burning stoves. She said, at least 3 metres back, they’d scorch the organic hemp out of my 140 euro flip flops.

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