Ask Audrey: How do you cure someone who gets turned on by English accents? Boris Johnson

Sorting out Cork people for ages
Ask Audrey: How do you cure someone who gets turned on by English accents? Boris Johnson

Ask Audrey has been sorting Cork people out for ages.

It’s property all the way on our WhatsApp group, Douglas Road Stunners Who Can’t Believe You Didn’t Buy an Apartment in South Docks Off The Plans.

Fiona_OnlyWayIsUp said she got her hands on two penthouses on Kennedy Quay even before the plans were published this week, because when you know the right people, you know the right people, do you know that kind of way. Poppy_TotesSustainable posted a GIF of a crying polar bear and said property is todally cheugy bee-atches, anyone who’s anyone on the Douglas Road is gone gangbusters for saving the planet, check out this photo of my new €850 yoga mat, made from recycled children’s flip-flops in the slums of Mumbai.

We gave her the standard six week ban for being a total buzz-wrecker and then Bláthnaid_CúplaFocal said she just had a panic attack because Roxy_TonedCalves told her that the best apartments in the new development were almost gone and if you bought one now you could end up next to someone from Ballincollig.

I totally deserve one of those apartments, they’re perfect for town, so you know who I need to talk to before they go down to the dregs?

— Jenni, Douglas Road

I rang the Posh Cousin there and said, did you buy one of those new apartments in the South Docks. She said, you must be joking. I said, why? She said, who in their right minds would want an uninterrupted view of the northside.

Hello it’s Rosealeen here in Ballydesmond. Isn’t it the way that I can’t resist a man with an English accent? It’s an awful fecking affliction because most of them would bore of the knickers off you and not in a good way, says you.

I’ve been in counselling for it and everything, because flinging yourself at Brits isn’t exactly encouraged in north Cork — half the ludramáns up here are still fighting the War of Independence in their tiny minds. The counsellor told me that I’m probably attracted to Brits because I watched too much Newsround on BBC after my father connected to the illegal signal booster being beamed across the border by the good for nothings in Scartaglin.

Anyway, amn’t I having a thing at the moment with this Clive who moved to West Cork from London. I met him in Skibbereen yesterday morning and didn’t he bring me to some class of a sing-song on the Main Street.

I thought nothing of it until Berna sent me a WhatsApp there saying, I see you’re an anti-vaxxer now, along with a video of me singing along with the hippies below in Skibb. Jesus, I only went down for a bit of nooky and now I’m known as Covid Rosie from here to Kiskeam. How can I cure my Brit talk affliction?

— Rosealeen, Ballydesmond, double vaxxed and well on for the booster.

My friend is an expert in sexual perversions, we call her Mile High Miriam. I rang her there and said how do you cure someone who gets turned on by English accents? She said, Boris Johnson.

Guten Tag. I turned on the telly during the week and there was a cowboy on the roof of Croke Park talking about his concert so I looked him up online, Garth Brooks, singing Friends in Low Places.

Well, I have friends in low places too — the Netherlands — but no one wants to see me singing about them in a huge stadium. As for the line dancing that seems to go along with the music, that looks like something out of a Before and After Video for a Frontal Lobotomy. 

I should warn you, if word gets out that you Paddys are crazy for this Garth Brooks it will destroy your reputation as a nation of cultured intellectuals. What can be done? 

— Jurgen, Berlin and Ballincollig.

Irish people are cultured intellectuals! And they said Germans don’t have a sense of humour.

How’re oo goin’ on? I was talking to Sean Mac from the road below last week and didn’t he tell me about this new thing, the NFT. 

According to himself anyway, that’s a non-fungible token, which is basically a way you can sell a photo for a fortune to some clown of a Yank, allowing him to feel like God almighty himself, because no one else can own if after that, what in the name of Cromwell will they think of next?

So didn’t I take a photo of my dog, Christy, there and then and showed it to Seán Mac from the road below. He said not bad for a first-time, what you need now is a cute name, why not try Jesus Christy for the bit of crack. Well, long story short Audrey, thanks to some eejit in Wisconsin, I now have €11 million in Bitcoin.

Unfortunately, I also have a letter from a solicitor representing Seán Mac from the road below saying that €5.5 million of that is his, seeing as he came up with the name. Do you know the name of a good solicitor? 

— Dan Paddy Andy, head out beyond Dunmanway for exactly 7 minutes, until you come across a man taking a photo of his shoes.

My aunt is always in trouble, I rang her there and said would you recommend a good solicitor? She said, no, you’re much better off with an evil one.

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