Ask Audrey: Where do you stand on neighbours in the nip? Just outside the window

Sorting out Cork people for ages
Ask Audrey: Where do you stand on neighbours in the nip? Just outside the window

Ask Audrey has been sorting Cork people out for ages.

Hello it’s Rosealeen here in Ballydesmond. Well, didn’t Berna and myself pick a shite month to open our new nightclub. It all started in mid-October when Berna correctly pointed out that it’s very hard to go on three Tinder dates in one night without getting a name for yourself, even if you’re from Kiskeam. On the other hand, her extensive research has shown that two-out-of-every-three men she met online would make outstanding guests on a Channel 4 show called Not Even If You Were The Last Man on Earth. So you’d need three goes at it just to find someone with a spare pair of socks. ’Tis then I said, wouldn’t you miss the old nightclubs Berna, where you could dump a lad if he had a pet name for this tractor and try someone else. Well didn’t we take matters into our own hands and open a nightclub for middle-aged culchies called Tongues and Maybe More. We had crowds coming from all directions, including a double decker bus from Kinsale. And now we have to close down because Tony Zero Craic Holohan has discovered that the coronavirus only comes out after 12 o’clock in the night. Do you think we should cut our losses and move to England?
– Rosealeen, Ballydesmond

I’ve a cousin living in London, we call him ‘isn’t it’ because he puts a question at the end of every sentence. #2Posh4Innit. I rang him and said what’s nightlife like in England. He said, can’t hear myself think, can I? I said, because of the music? He said, no, everyone has this weird cough, don’t they? #Covid19Innit

How’re oo’ goin’ on? ’Tis grand and quiet here down in West Cork, it’s amazing the amount of noise that comes out of a Blackrock Road woman roaring across a crowded beach about the price of her new nose. Anyway didn’t we convert the shed into an Airbnb and there is a very nice Swedish woman living in there now, she’s an artist apparently, so I can only assume that she gets money every month from her mother. Wasn’t I coming back from a walk with the dog yesterday and passing the window, wasn’t she inside, naked. I was out again this morning and tried to look away while passing the shed, but it’s very hard not to look when there is a naked Swede in there. Well there she was again without a stitch on her, I managed to look away quickly without getting caught. I’m like a prisoner in my own house Audrey, afraid to go out in case I get the nickname Dan Paddy Pervy. Do you think I’d be within my rights to ask her to put on a dressing gown?
– Dan Paddy Andy, head out beyond Dunmanway until you see a man wearing a pair of blinkers.

I rang My Conor there and said, where do you stand on neighbours in the nip. He said, just outside the window.

It’s getting cautious on our WhatsApp group Douglas Road Stunners Who Don’t Give Them Money Because They’d Only Spend it on Drink. Fifi_WhitePrius started it off when she asked what were the Christmas lunch plans for our charity, Douglas Road Stunners Who Feel Guilty in December. Clara_VicePresidentInFacebook said I don’t think we can have an actual meal this year babes, it’s important we show an example to the lower orders and do a virtual fund-raiser #FightDaCovid. Lorna_RatherBe@Yoga said you’re barred for six weeks Clara, who in their minds wants to raise money for deserving Norries if we can’t turn heads in a city centre restaurant that is beyond reach for most people. Fifi_WhitePrius said yay!, I hate Clara, bee-atch, but it will be war on Douglas Road Stunners if we flood Instagram with party pics while everyone else is stuck in their little houses watching The Late Late Toy Show. What would be a good way raise a few quid for deserving causes while looking out-of-this-universe amazing?
- Jenni, Douglas Road.

Why don’t you just stay at home and give them the 10 you were going to spend on a jumpsuit?

Guten Tag. I am getting a very itchy head from all the scratching, trying to understand you Paddys. Myself and my flatmate were watching Meehall Martin announcing the Covid measures this week. I said, where is your research showing us that Covid-19 only infects people after midnight, you altenpooperschlagenrizenmann, which is the German word for powerful balding man who speaks out of his rear end on the six o’clock news. My flatmate said, this is like something out of Father Ted. Then he started laughing. If this was Germany, people would be tearing their hair out in public places, we have a word for that but it would take too long to write. So, when are you people going to stop talking about Father Ted and say, we’ve had enough!!? Jurgen, Berlin and Ballincollig

My cranky nephew went on Twitter this morning and said he was taking to the streets. I rang him and said, what do you want? He said, clearer messaging from the government. I said, when do you want it. He said, stop taking the piss Aunt Audrey. #ZeroCraic

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