Ask Audrey: Where do you stand on neighbours in the nip? Just outside the window

Sorting out Cork people for ages

Ask Audrey has been sorting Cork people out for ages.

Hello it’s Rosealeen here in Ballydesmond. Well, didn’t Berna and myself pick a shite month to open our new nightclub. It all started in mid-October when Berna correctly pointed out that it’s very hard to go on three Tinder dates in one night without getting a name for yourself, even if you’re from Kiskeam. On the other hand, her extensive research has shown that two-out-of-every-three men she met online would make outstanding guests on a Channel 4 show called Not Even If You Were The Last Man on Earth. So you’d need three goes at it just to find someone with a spare pair of socks. ’Tis then I said, wouldn’t you miss the old nightclubs Berna, where you could dump a lad if he had a pet name for this tractor and try someone else. Well didn’t we take matters into our own hands and open a nightclub for middle-aged culchies called Tongues and Maybe More. We had crowds coming from all directions, including a double decker bus from Kinsale. And now we have to close down because Tony Zero Craic Holohan has discovered that the coronavirus only comes out after 12 o’clock in the night. Do you think we should cut our losses and move to England?
– Rosealeen, Ballydesmond

I’ve a cousin living in London, we call him ‘isn’t it’ because he puts a question at the end of every sentence. #2Posh4Innit. I rang him and said what’s nightlife like in England. He said, can’t hear myself think, can I? I said, because of the music? He said, no, everyone has this weird cough, don’t they? #Covid19Innit