Ask Audrey: What's the story with talking after doing the biz?

Sorting out Cork people for ages
Ask Audrey: What's the story with talking after doing the biz?

Ask Audrey has been sorting Cork people out for ages.

It’s getting autumnal in our WhatsApp group, Douglas Road Stunners Who Wouldn’t be Seen Dead in Those Wellies. Fifi_SustainableBotox said it’s bumper to bumper on the road to Currabinny Woods these days, with half of Posh Cork trying to get that perfect Autumn-walk-with-the-kids shot for Instagram #CrunchofLeaves #ExpensiveWellies #LeChameauActually #UCantAfford. 

Clara_2AuPairs said it can be hard to coax the kids out to the woods, but it’s worth it for the look on their faces when you tell them they’ll get a new iPhone if they just stop crying, Mom needs you looking happy for TikTok. Minny_ImSkinny said don’t mind the kids, I want to know is there any bit of woodlands around Cork where you won’t bump into the lower orders. 

Clara said, ignore East Cork anyway because the northsiders just get attracted to Garryvoe like a magnet. Minny fired a shot at Fifi saying, I don’t what you were doing in Currabinny, it’s a bit too close to the easily-pleased classes in Carrigaline. 

This is tearing us apart Audrey, so please please tell us where can we get a short walk in the woods without bumping into a shower of Norries? 

- Jenni, Douglas Road

I rang the Posh Cousin there, she’s born for this. I said, where’s the poshest forest in Cork. She said, Farran Woods but bring a pair of sunglasses. I said, why? She said, you don’t want to make eye contact with someone from Coachford.

Hello it’s Rosealeen here in Ballydesmond. I’m actually the Office Manager for a large firm here in north Cork, my job is do to all the work while the rest of them sit on their fat arses up in the board room, designing diversity workshops on the whiteboard and sniggering away because they’re on twice the money I’m on myself. 

Anyway, wasn’t I called in by the HR manager yesterday, a 27-year-old bint of a one with an American accent, even though she’s born and bred in mid-Cork. She said, we won’t near your input for the office party this Christmas Rosealeen, things got a bit out of hand last year. Not like she had to tell me, didn’t I wake up with a trainee accountant from Scartaglin. 

I said, what’s the world coming to that you can’t have a game of Spin the Bottle with your colleagues after a litre of gin? She said, your free bar cost the company a small fortune and I said, why don’t you give them a loan out of your confirmation money, you jumped up Yank from Macroom? Well, didn’t she issue me with a final warning. So Audrey, tell me, is it an absolute no-no to lob the gob at a colleague at the old Christmas party? 

- Rosealeen, Ballydesmond

My cousin is a HR Manager because she didn’t get the points for arts. I said, what’s your policy about scoring at the Christmas Party. She said, No Culchies - I got it on with a guy from Listowel last year and I still reek of Lynx Africa.

C’mere, what’s the story with talking after you do the biz? I’ve started dating this Posh One from Schull after I spotted her photo on Facebook. I messaged her and said, are you a dominatrix or what like, and she says, no, that’s my showjumping gear. 

She could have fooled me the way she was holding that whip – very suggestive. So I asks her out, nothing ventured nothing gained, and she suggests we meet in Bandon and I says, are you sure you’re not into torture and she seems to think I was joking, so Bandon it was. I won’t bore you with the details of what happened Audrey, but let’s just say Posh Culchies aren’t over-burdened with Catholic guilt when it comes to a bit of how’s your father. 

The problem was afterwards. I like to have a chat after doing the biz, you’d swear I was an old doll. But your one conks out like your drunk uncle at a wedding. We’re meeting again this weekend in Cork city, there’s only so much of Bandon that one can could take. So like, should I tell her that I’d like to have some chat after the bit of bangy? 

- Dowcha Donie, Blackpool

It’s a tricky one. I told my mother the other day, I hate talking to My Conor after sex. She said, why? I said, it takes me ages to find my phone.

Hey dude, it’s not my fault I live in Ballintemple, and anyway my profile on Twitter describes me as a Communist. To back this up I have decided to bring an end to the housing crisis by installing 10 eco-pods in my old man’s giant garden and let them out at 10% below the market rate, which is two thousand euro a month for a one-room shed. 

So like, achtung todal Communist hotties under 30 who can squeeze 2k a month out of Bank of Mom, I am like that cool landlord that you probably dream of, maybe even in a sexual way. So, come join me as I turn Ballintemple into Cork’s answer to Stoneybatter. I don’t have a question Audrey, I just want to use your column for a free ad. 

- Ed, Ballintemple.

If the hipsters are moving in, I’ll go for a free ad myself. For sale, my house in Ballinlough. Will consider swap with place in Bishopstown. It’s that bad.

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