Ask Audrey: The ferry is full of lorry drivers and retired teachers from Ovens in a camper van

Sorting out Cork people for ages ...
Ask Audrey: The ferry is full of lorry drivers and retired teachers from Ovens in a camper van

Ask Audrey has been sorting Cork people out for ages.

Guten Tag. 

What is the story with jobbies in the ocean? I am in a slow-burning romance with a really cool girl from Montenotte at work, I am in love, she sees me as ‘a dote’, it is the story of my life. 

The other day I suggested we go sea-swimming as a kind of date and she said, don’t be ridiculous Jurgen, the sea along the Cork coastline is full of untreated sewage, the last thing I want is to rub up against a floater out of some knuckle-dragger from Castletownbere. 

So, what is going on – why are you Paddies pumping poop? 

- Jurgen, Berlin and Ballincollig

I rang the Government there. The woman on the phone said, you’d swear we were made of money it’s either Children’s Allowance or Clean Coasts, you can’t have both. So we’ll stick with the poop.

It’s lowered voices this week on our WhatsApp Group Douglas Road Stunners Who Love the Planet But Not Enough to Stop Us Going Skiing. 

Cliona_ApresSki said this Cop26 thing is a total balls, all this love for the forests means she can’t have a top-of-her-voice chat with Emer Cronin-Buckley in Brown Thomas about the cost of Chamonix for next year. (That’s a luxury ski resort Audrey, I wouldn’t expect you to know that, living in Ballinlough.) 

Fifi_WhitePrius said shag the begrudgers babes, myself and my Ken have it all figured out – we’re going to drive down the Douglas Road in our Prius, skis on top, and tell everyone who asks that we’re taking the ferry to France and driving down, #SaveThePlanet. 

Clara_Million-a-ra said, will not that take ye ages? Fifi said, nah babes, we’ll just drive up to the airport and fly down, TOTAL SCORE, the ferry is totes lorry drivers and retired teachers from Ovens in a camper van, #Allerge. 

We awarded her a Golden Babe for that touch of genius, and agreed that human ingenuity will overcome all the problems we have with the environment. 

So like, do you think it’s ok to start talking about skiing holidays again at the top of our voices? 

- Jenni, Douglas Road.

I called the Posh Cousin there and said, is this a bad week to start talking about a really expensive holiday? She said, I CAN’T HEAR YOU AUDREY, I’M IN MARTINIQUE WITH MY KEN!!

Hello, it’s Rosealeen here in Ballydesmond. 

Berna and myself were discussing the dismal dating scene in north Cork last week and we decided to find a man who has travelled the world, rather than some bit of narrow minded pond-life that would get a nose-bleed if he went into Kanturk. 

So we signed up to a dating site that matches you with a well-travelled person it’s called Undressed By Kings, Seen Some Things. 

Two days later and I’m going for a bite to eat inside in Cork with some Yank who is ten years too old for his ponytail, wearing a pair of moccasins that made him look like a trainee clown. He said let’s go get a Mexican, and I said, how dare you suggest a threesome on the first date, you must think it’s the way I’m from Kiskeam. 

He said, no, Mexican food, from across the border. I said, do you mean Scartaglin? Well, didn’t he laugh an auld mocking laugh that made me feel as low as a caterpillar in Amsterdam, so I rang Berna and said pick me up outside Cash’s, I’ve had more than my fill of Willie Fecking Nelson. 

On reflection though I think I could do with some lessons on international cuisine – where would you even start?

- Rosealeen, Ballydesmond

My niece is forever trying out new food from around the globe, she spends half her life on the jacks. I said, what do you look for in a dish? 

She said, 10,000 likes on Instagram when I post a photo because there’s a gaping black hole where my self-esteem used to live. #SorryIAsked

C’mere, what’s the story with eating a steak. Myself and the old doll went out for a bit of munch there on Wednesday night, ten year anniversary if you ignore the six month break in 2018, which we actually do ignore because I slept with her cousin and it do be a sore point. 

Anyway, waitress comes down and says what are ye having, I said I’ll have the steak, medium rare, which in Cork means well-done, which is the way I like it. 

Suddenly this guy at the next table turns around and shouts ‘Planet Killer’ at me, and then his old doll starts crying, talking about cow farts, which is disgusting like and people trying to enjoy their dinner. So I said, c’mere, John Lennon – he had the roundy glasses – I’m having a steak here with my old doll and it’s none of your business. 

That’s what you said when I caught you with my sister, says my old doll, bawling now like and the night was ruined. So c’mere Audrey, is it possible to eat a steak in public now without some langer shaming you in front of your old doll? 

- Dowcha Donie, Blackpool

Nobody wants to be made look foolish in a restaurant. I’ve lost count of the number of times My Conor has been left eating on his own because I’ve run off with a waiter. #ItsEither21or22

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