Ask Audrey: There is so much poverty in the world, just look at Carrigaline

"It's getting sympathetic on our WhatsApp group, Douglas Road Stunners Who Can't Believe You're Not Going to Hotel Europe for Mid-Term"
Ask Audrey: There is so much poverty in the world, just look at Carrigaline

Ask Audrey has been sorting Cork people out for ages.

C’mere, what’s the story with listening to jazz music while sitting down without loads of pints on board. Myself and the old doll do love the Jazz Festival every year, there’s nathin like downing the gallon in a crowded pub while some punter with a synthesiser blasts out a 10 minute version of Living Next Door to Alice. You’ll get the odd dozy southsider in a polo-neck who tries to torture you with a saxophone, but that’s not a problem because there do be loads of noise in the pub and you could enjoy anything after a gallon of pints. (Except ballet, obviously.) But like, keeping social distancing for the Jazz is a complete disaster, because there’s a chance I’ll hear some jazz and I won’t be baloobas drunk, because of the restrictions. Do you think they could put a warning up on the pub saying ‘Danger – Jazz in here’? 

- Dowcha Donie, Blackpool

I had a southsider torture me once with his sax, but in a good way. My friend Straight Talking Sandra loves the Jazz Festival. I asked her, what would you say to a northsider who decided to stay at home this year? She said, thanks! #FearsTheNorrie

Hello it’s Rosealeen here in Ballydesmond. Bad cess to your one Sofia Vergara from Modern Family and her bag of chips inside in Cork, I could hardly open social media during the week without herself looking back at me and basically saying, you might as well give up girl, we’re blessed with the good looks below in South America. It’s not fair having someone that good looking inside the county bounds, it only makes the lads think they’re settling when they go out with local women like myself. Berna had a nice thing going with a fella in Kiskeam, it was thickening up like Bisto – well didn’t he send her a photo of Sofia Vergara last night with the message, “Is there any chance you could look like that?” Of course she can’t you browl, she grew up eating spuds in a blanket of fog on the Cork-Kerry border, as healthy skin regimes go, that’s poorer than your chances of finding an art gallery in Scartaglin. It would be nice to think that we could keep these Hollywood celebs out of Cork, because it’s only playing havoc with the local dating scene. Can you make that happen? 

- Rosealeen, Ballydesmond.

My Conor said he was losing interest in me after seeing those photos. I said, hang on langball, what’s the difference between me and Sofia Vergara sitting in Fitzgerald Park with a bag of chips? He said, you’d probably eat the chips. #Hurtful

It’s getting sympathetic on our WhatsApp group, Douglas Road Stunners Who Can’t Believe that You’re Not Going to Hotel Europe for Mid-Term. Fifi_WhitePrius said they’re staying at home next week, it’s getting ridiculous the amount of money people are spending on mid-term breaks, when there is so much poverty in the world, just look at Carrigaline. That doesn’t sound like our Fifi at all, the woman who refuses to make eye-contact with her cleaning lady because she heard that can be enough to make you start shopping in Dealz. So Ali_700euroSunglasses said, can we see your bank balance please, Fifi, Douglas Road is ablaze with rumours that you and your Ken are after dipping below the five figures in your current account, which is a bit Ballinlough? Fifi replied, can’t a girl show a bit of love for her fellow human-beings please, and Lorna_InfinityPool said not if you started a petition last year demanding that South Douglas Road types should be blasted into space. It’s getting a bit witch-hunty now, and I’m out of the group if I don’t produce a 5 figure current account balance before the weekend. Do you know anywhere I can get nine grand? 

-Jenni, Douglas Road.

I rang the Posh Cousin there and said, where would you get nine grand? She said, in my purse. #Loaded

Now listen up Paddy. I’ve just come up from a meeting of the British Establishment, where we all dressed up as rotten potatoes and said, oh no, now all the Paddys are going to die. I’m sure you won’t be in the slightest best upset about this, for all your faults, you Micks have the most marvellous sense of humour. Anyway, Boris got the biggest laugh of the night with his impersonation of Micheal Martin, not that it was any good, but Boris has a tendency to fire people in batches and most of us would struggle to find a job anywhere else. So, he asked me to pass on a message to your lot and the message is as follows. ‘Huzzah, you filthy Micks, no offence naturellement. Don’t worry about all the Brexit posturing, just hang tough and you’ll have your United Ireland within 18 months. Good riddance to those DUP God-botherers, judging me for shagging anything that moves, they’re about as much fun a paternity suit, what?’ So, that’s the message from Boris, do make sure you pass it on, you forgetful Paddy. 

- Lord Edmund D’Servant-Spanker, Wiltshire and oh look, Papa just gave me the Isle of Man.

I rang Micheál Martin there and said, United Ireland in 18 months, where do you stand on this? He said, hopefully in Argentina, Audrey, that sounds like a nightmare.

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