Ask Audrey: We wouldn’t dream of going on Viber because that’s for people in Glanmire

Sorting out Cork people for ages

Ask Audrey has been sorting Cork people out for ages.

Hello, it’s Bernard here, yer man from Dundalk. I have a girlfriend now in Cork and didn’t she say to me that she’d get fierce turned on if could wear one of them pink velvet jackets that yer man Daniel Craig wore at the premiere for the Bond movie. I have me suspicions that this is a prank, where we’ll go out and Patrick Street will be lined with people going ‘look at yer man from Dundalk’. So me question is, are Cork people open-minded when it comes to a bloke in a pink velvet blazer? Bernard, Dundalk.

I rang my friend Fast Fashion FiFi and said, what’s the definition of an avant-garde bloke in Cork? She said, someone who wears the Cork goalie jersey in town when there isn’t a match. #NotParis

It’s gone Oops, Something went Wrong on our WhatsApp group, Douglas Road Stunners Who Wake Up In the Middle of the Night and Share Something Bitchy about Emer Cronin-Buckley. Shona_OwnAMansion said the WhatsApp outage on Monday scarred her for life and she was up all night contemplating her existence because it’s hard to know if you’re really alive if you can’t share a photo of your new 30 grand dog with your stunning friends. Fifi_LeafyDrive said you might be over-thinking it a bit there Shona, but then you always did have an inferiority complex because you didn’t make it into Scoil Mhuire. Nikii_NotNicola said she wept pure Botox into her Infinity Pool on Monday night because she couldn’t share photos of her daughter’s 15 grand communion dress - OK, it was probably made by a little girl the same age as her in some poor country, but isn’t she lucky to have a job, in this day and age? This all just made me realise the pure gold that we get on our WhatsApp group, Audrey. We wouldn’t dream of going on Viber because that’s for people in Glanmire, but do you know a good fall-back social media platform we could use in case WhatsApp and Insta disappear again? Jenni, Douglas Road

It’s the question on everyone’s 15-grand lips here in Ballinlough. My niece is forever on her phone – I said, what did you do when Facebook went down on Monday? She said, I felt sorry for old people. #HarshButTrue

Hello, it’s Rosealeen here in Ballydesmond. Myself and Berna went into Killarney the other night to watch the new James Bond movie, it’s strange to watch a movie full of gorgeous people in exotic locations when all around you the Kerry crowd are just sitting there eating their snots. Driving back anyway didn’t Berna say she’ll miss Daniel Craig as Bond, if for nothing else the fact that he has a grand set of pecs, when most of the men she’s seen topless would be well-advised to go out and buy themselves a training bra. We got talking about who should be the next James Bond, and how the right-on crowd are saying it should be a woman or a black person, which is fair enough, but in the end I just roared it out, what’s to stop the next James Bond being from Ballydesmond? Berna said it doesn’t sound like a Ballydesmond name, he’d probably be Jimmy B, and I said will you stop getting caught up in the details Berna, I can see him or her trying to foil an evil villain in Scartalgin, there’s no shortage of them over there. So, who do I phone to make the case for James Bond from Ballydesmond? Rosealeen, from Ballydesmond

My Conor’s brother is a movie buff. He’s actually other kinds of buff as well, I won’t go into any details. I said, is there anything to stop the next Bond being from Ballydesmond? He said, I can’t see them doing it in a foreign language.

Hey dude, my old man is so rich he pays people to sweat for him but that doesn’t stop me from going up to homeless guys on the street and saying, there’s no point asking for money dude, no one carries cash anymore, you need to get one of those white gizmos that punters can tap. And the guy is like, great tip dude, where would I get one of those and I’m, todally can’t talk now man, I’ve just spotted this Croatian chick from my Samba Band, I’ve never had a chance to talk to her alone, because I usually have a whistle in my mouth or I’m grinning the idiot Samba grin, ya feelin’ me? So, I’m straight over to her saying, just helping out that homeless guy there and she’s, with money?, and I’m nah babes, much better than that, I gave him advice. So then she’s like, will that put a roof over his head tonight? and I’m like, let’s grab a pizza, and she said, OK, Saturday night, but we have to bring that homeless guy as well and I’m like, is that some kind of weird fetish?So, she todally walked off looking disgusted with me. My friend Bryan with a Y said she’s just playing hard to get. But like, is it possible that she’s put off by my wealth? Ed, Ballintemple

I rang the Posh Cousin there and said, were you ever put off by a guy’s wealth. She said, just once. I said, what happened? She said, he didn’t have any. #ZeroKerching