Ask Audrey: Ken and Emer did the business in public, which is illegal, even in Kinsale

Sorting out Cork people for ages
Ask Audrey: Ken and Emer did the business in public, which is illegal, even in Kinsale

Ask Audrey has been sorting Cork people out for ages.

Hello old stocks. Myself and Hoggy are members of a very elite club called MATH, Millionaires Against Tree Huggers. It’s not that we have anything against the environment – Hoggy sponsored a polar bear last year, I’m not sure how it works but he got a massive tax break. Anyway, our main goal is to antagonise leftie environmentalists, because it would do you good to see one of them going ballistic. T hat’s actually our mission statement, we project up onto the gable wall of our stylish HQ using incredibly inefficient bulbs. W e were at a meeting last night to discuss a private greenway running from the Blackrock Road to the RCYC in Crosshaven (it would have room for two Range Rovers to pass each other, so think of it more as a private road really). The final business of the evening was a discussion about those do-gooders that go around on cargo bikes. Hoggy proposed that they should wear masks at all times so we don’t have to look at the smug smiles on their sponging faces. The motion was carried unanimously, and given the amount of money we give to Fine Gael and Fianna Fáil, I’m sure it will be law by the end of July. Can you let the cargo-bike crowd know, because they’ve blocked me on Twitter? Reggie, Blackrock Road.

I spotted this woman on a cargo bike this morning and said, why the smug smile? She said, I’m saving the planet. I said, how? She said, by making everyone else want to leave just to get away from me .

Hello it’s Rosealeen here in Ballydesmond. Wasn’t I contacted by this one from TG4 during the week, she said that they are making a Love Island as Gaeilge for randy culchies called Oileán Grá, and would I like to sign up. I said, go on, sure if nothing else they’ll let me have a drink inside alongside a fella with hefty arms, and it beats watching Love Island while wearing protective goggles in case I get a burned retina from the shine off of their teeth. Anyway, didn’t I head off to the Blaskets yesterday, I can tell you it’s no joke jumping out of a helicopter in a bikini when it’s 11 degrees outside and a wind that would whip the knickers off a nun. But didn’t I go mad on the cocktails on the first night and ended up hooking up with a fine thing from Connemara, grand old fumbling under the duvet and everything. As a result, I am the talk of the town back home and didn’t my mother come on a video call brandishing a copy of the Ballydesmond Bugle, front-page headline, ‘Lovely Village Shamed by Rosealeen.’ Do you think I should stick to my own bed, tell me? Rosealeen, Ballydesmond.

I’m not sure I’m the right person to be giving you advice. The only time I stick to my own bed is after a session with Luigi from the pizza place in Ballintemple. #SweatyBetty

It’s literally roasting hot on our WhatsApp group, Douglas Road Stunners Who Spent North of 10 Grand Putting a Firepit in Their Back Garden. Lola_CantStopLooking@MyLips said she just loves her firepit, it certainly beats draining two bottles of rosé in the back garden you’re wrapped in a 3 grand duvet thanks to the so-called Irish summer, did I tell ye I got a new duvet, says she ? Fifi_WhiteRangeRover said I hope it gives you a nice hug Lola, given what I’m hearing about your Ken and Emer Cronin-Buckley, not that I like spreading rumours. Well, didn’t Lola demand to see proof, which is never a good idea these days with phones everywhere and within 20 seconds weren’t we looking at a video of Ken and Emer doing the business in public, which is illegal, even in Kinsale. I private messaged Lola to check if she’s ok, because you get loads of information from people when they’re vulnerable, and she said she thinks that her Ken only put in the fire pit to make her stay at home so he could play the field. So, my Killian is dying to put a fire pit out the back of our place – do you think he’s planning to have an affair? Jenni, Douglas Road

I rang the Posh Cousin there and said, do you think Killian is planning to have an affair? She said, no. I said, how do you know? She said, he’s already having one, I’ll get him to call you when he comes out of the shower.

C’mere, what’s the story with Crunch? The old doll bought me a new Liverpool top yesterday and I said, what’s this, are we getting married and she said no, Dowcha Donie, we’re going out for Crunch. I said, what’s that and she said, it’s like Brunch, but instead of it being breakfast and lunch it cocktails and lunch. So off we went anyway and didn’t we end up baloobas by 11 o’clock that night. So like, do you think this Crunch should come with a health warning? Dowcha Donie, Blackpool.

My neighbour loves daytime drinking , we call her Slurry Murray. I said, what do you think of Crunch. She said, it’s a total joke. I said, starting too early? She said, no, eating is cheating, hilaire, let’s drink mojitos. #AnyExcuse.

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