Ask Audrey: Ken and Emer did the business in public, which is illegal, even in Kinsale

Sorting out Cork people for ages

Ask Audrey has been sorting Cork people out for ages.

Hello old stocks. Myself and Hoggy are members of a very elite club called MATH, Millionaires Against Tree Huggers. It’s not that we have anything against the environment – Hoggy sponsored a polar bear last year, I’m not sure how it works but he got a massive tax break. Anyway, our main goal is to antagonise leftie environmentalists, because it would do you good to see one of them going ballistic. T hat’s actually our mission statement, we project up onto the gable wall of our stylish HQ using incredibly inefficient bulbs. W e were at a meeting last night to discuss a private greenway running from the Blackrock Road to the RCYC in Crosshaven (it would have room for two Range Rovers to pass each other, so think of it more as a private road really). The final business of the evening was a discussion about those do-gooders that go around on cargo bikes. Hoggy proposed that they should wear masks at all times so we don’t have to look at the smug smiles on their sponging faces. The motion was carried unanimously, and given the amount of money we give to Fine Gael and Fianna Fáil, I’m sure it will be law by the end of July. Can you let the cargo-bike crowd know, because they’ve blocked me on Twitter? Reggie, Blackrock Road.

I spotted this woman on a cargo bike this morning and said, why the smug smile? She said, I’m saving the planet. I said, how? She said, by making everyone else want to leave just to get away from me .