Ask Audrey: 'The way Dr Tony is going, you’ll be lucky if you’re allowed to go to the jacks'

Sorting out Cork people for ages

Hello old stock. I wonder could you settle an argument I’ve been having with Shorty Cudmore about tipping guys who deliver take-away food. 

I’m a complete non-tipper – my father didn’t leave me 17 million euro and Sherkin Island, just so that I could hand it over to some good looking Brazilian w ho can clearly afford an electric bike. 

Shorty, on the other hand is a complete Communist, and said for God sake Reggie, would it kill you to give them 50 cent? Let's just say I don’t intend to find out. Do you think I’m mean? 

— Reggie, 4.5 million euro mansion, Blackrock Road

My Conor came in last night and said, what would you give a good looking Brazilian on an electric bike. I said, not a nything that I could repeat in a family newspaper. (We’re back in counselling.)

H ello, it’s Rosealeen here again. Isn’t it the way that I met that Guard in Bishopstown last week and let’s just say my previous boyfriends were doing it all wrong. 

Oh lads, I can hardly focus for five minutes without thinking of him telling me in his Guard voice that I have broken a by-law and he is going to issue some on the spot punishment, so to speak. 

It’s no joke, on my feet all day teaching a class of seven-year-olds here in north Cork, when I’d rather be on my back shouting “I’m entitled to a solicitor you brute of a man. D on’t stop, don’t stop.” 

So, I’d like to add my voice to the many teachers who want Christmas holidays to start week early, because of low morale or some bullshit. Do you think the Minister is listening, tell me?

— Rosealeeen, Ballydesmond.

My cousin is a teacher, she gets this preachy voice on her second gin. I said, this argument over closing the schools early, where do you see it leading. She said, New York if I can get a flight. They’re for nothing.

Guten tag. Sometimes things in Ireland are harder to understand than a Dunmanway man eating a breakfast roll, ya? I have been in Ireland now for three years, living in Ballincollig. 

The first two of those, you would never see someone walking down the street with a pint in their hand; now, since the lockdown I see them all the time, standing by street corners with their hand over the pint so it does not get diluted by the rain. 

What is wrong with you people? Why not pour a can of beer into a glass and walk down the road, rather than hand over the big money to a pub owner who hands it out of a hatch? Please explain what it is with you and the d raught beer ? 

— Jurgen, Berlin and Ballincollig

My niece is writing a book on Irish people’s r elationship with drink – it’s called It Makes Me Feel Feckin Brilliant . I said, why are Irish people buying pints and drinking them in the rain? She said, they want to be around other people. I said why? She said, what’s the point in drinking if you can’t lob the gob. #Insight

It’s j ubilant on our WhatsApp group, Douglas Road Stunners Delighted That Emer Cronin-Buckley Won’t Be Coming Home from Australia For Christmas. 

Laura_WhiteRangeRover says she’ll overlook the fact that Stephen Donnelly is a Wicklow guy with an American accent, as long as he protects us from the emigrant braggers that we call Brag-i-grants. 

FiFi_NotPenneysNo said it’s amaz eballs that her sister can’t come home from Dubai, s o she won’t have to listen to her banging on about eating dinner in a hot-tub. 

I’m just glad Emer Cronin-Buckley i s locked down in Australia, I couldn’t take another Christmas of her going on about the size of her boyfriend’s neck. (He plays rugby league.) Can you guarantee us that none of our Bragigrant loved ones will be allowed home? 

— Jenni, Douglas Road

Don’t mind foreign travel. T he way Dr Tony is going you’ll be lucky if you’re allowed to go to the jacks. My sister rang from Cannes and said, do you have a problem with me postponing a trip home to see Mammy until July. I said I do. She said why? I said, because you called her Mammy - where do think we came from, Pouladuff ?

C’ mere, what’s the story with planning to score w ith someone from work at a virtual Christmas party? (Bear with me.) 

There’s this Spanish one inside in work, she do be foolish for my Cheeky Chappy, Norry Happy persona that I do put on for the foreign old dolls, even though I’m actually fairly shy. 

Anyway, we’d a be flirting all the time on the messaging system at work – only the other night I was on the verge of sending her a photo of my new Liverpool gloves. 

Normally this would lead to all sorts at the Christmas party, but we’re having it on Zoom this year and I’m wondering, is there like a private virtual room where you can go to do a round of shots with an old doll, and see where it leads, like? 

— Dowcha Donie, Blackpool.

My cousin is in HR for a large multinational. I said, how do you view couples in breakout rooms at work parties? He said, with my microphone muted in case they hear me. #Perv-a-licious