Joanna Fortune: My child says she is stupid because she finds school difficult  

Daydreamers do not thrive in all environments, and school is one such environment where they often struggle. School is highly structured, with built-in expectations for what concentration and focus should look like. Picture: iStock 

I struggled to stay focused at school and often drifted off into daydreams. By the time I left, I thought I was stupid, and it wasn’t until I started training in hairdressing that I realised I had a different kind of intelligence. I now run my own salon. My seven-year-old daughter is quite similar to me, and she recently started saying she’s stupid because she finds school difficult. I’ve told her she’s smart almost since the day she was born, but nothing I say seems to make a difference. What would you suggest?

I am here for our world’s daydreamers. Daydreaming offers myriad pro-social and mental wellbeing benefits, not just for children, but for all of us. Daydreamers tend to be creative thinkers who show higher levels of flexibility and adaptability in their thinking. They tend to have rich and active imaginations and, as such, can be strong problem solvers. 

But in addition to all this, daydreaming is a state of free-floating attention that allows for active processing of the stimuli in our days, creation of fresh thinking, and new perspectives, which in turn, reduces stress.

However, as your letter describes, daydreamers do not thrive in all environments, and school is one such environment where they often struggle. School is highly structured, with built-in expectations for what concentration and focus should look like. Schools have a set curriculum to cover and need to move a large group of children — each with a variety of preferred learning styles — through it at the same time. They do not always view daydreaming positively, and may instead see it as a difficulty with focus and attention.  

This approach can result in our daydreamers frequently being corrected and receiving the message that the way their brains work best is not the right way. I imagine this is why you reflect on your own school days as a struggle and that you can see your child’s struggle emerging in that critical self-talking. 

While we may not all enjoy all of school, there will be some aspect, however small, that is enjoyable. Find that part she does enjoy, spotlight it, emphasise it, talk with her about how great she is at it, and how much fun she has doing it. This will help her remember that it’s not all bad.

Ask her teacher to ensure she gets positive reinforcement around the tasks she is good at and to be mindful that she is a daydreamer and will need gentle, yet firm, prompts to help re-engage her in the task.

You can also work on her capacity for prolonged engagement at home. I recommend 15-minute sand timers. The child can relax after school for one turn of the timer, then sit and do homework for another turn, before getting another 15-minute break and returning to complete homework.

With this technique, your child will have managed 30 minutes of focused schoolwork. You can gradually expand the focus time by a minute or so and reduce the need for breaks by a minute or so, so they build their capacity to focus.

Tell her all the things that are great about having brains like hers. Share with her that she is like you, and that’s great. Point out that you run your own business and use your creative brain every day in your work.

If you have a question for child psychotherapist Joanna Fortune, please send it to [e-mail]