Joanna Fortune: My teenage son is missing his big brother 

Child psychotherapist Dr Joanna Fortune gives advice about an evolving relationship between two brothers

Your youngest son needs to know that you understand how he feels and that he is not alone in his feelings. Picture: iStock 

My eldest son is in first year at college and living in student accommodation. He’s settled in well, but his younger brother, who is in secondary school, misses him hugely. During the first term, he came home almost every weekend, which helped, but between work assignments and student parties, he’s coming home less frequently. I’ve suggested the boys video call each other, but they said that would be weird. I’m at a loss to know what to do.

It’s obvious that your sons share a strong bond. Right now, their relationship is evolving, perhaps even diverging, as they are at different stages of their respective lives. 

For your younger son, his world (school, activities, home, etc) has stayed the same, whereas for your older son, it has expanded significantly (living away from home, new friends, new experiences, greater independence). Just because their life paths are not in synch right now does not mean they won’t get back into synch later.

Healthy relationships can withstand and survive, even thrive, on shifts like these. The boys will learn new ways to maintain contact and get to know each other in more mature ways.

Your sons do not need you to mediate or fix this for them. But your youngest son needs to know that you understand how he feels and that he is not alone in his feelings. 

Your older son may well be missing his brother and the rest of the family, but he has more distractions as he develops new connections in his social network.

Try to chat with your younger son, perhaps on a drive or if he goes out for a walk with you. Talking while sitting or moving side by side is often experienced as a less intense form of conversation for teenagers.

Give him time and space to talk about missing his brother and don’t jump in to rescue him from his feelings with a solution (such as the video calls idea, which he rejected) because he is not looking for you to fix this. 

He knows that you can’t, he is sharing how he is feeling and it will be so valuable for him to know that you understand him and how he is feeling and that you are available for him whenever he needs to emotionally exhale these feelings.

So respond with acceptance (“Yes, this is a really big change in your relationship with your brother, and that is difficult to deal with”) and empathy (“I can see you are finding this difficult, I know how much you miss him and how things feel different for you at home now. I’m here for you”).

Your younger son is also seeing what happens when you move out and go to college, knowing this change is also coming to him when he finishes school — this may well be part of his struggle.

You have a new family dynamic now, and change is always difficult to adjust to, so give this time. You want to find new ways to stay connected without being their go-between, so let them find a way of communicating that feels natural to them.

Try to increase activity on the family WhatsApp by encouraging them to share funny memes and small nuggets about each of your days, and to plan a fun family activity (this could be takeout and game night at home) for when your older son is back. 

They are moving in different directions right now, but they will settle into a new rhythm.

If you have a question for child psychotherapist Dr Joanna Fortune, please send it to [e-mail]