Joanna Fortune: My nephew doesn't get on with my children — and he's staying for Christmas 

If your children were to call their cousin out on his behaviour, it might compel him to change it. File picture: iStock 

My sister, husband, and their 10-year-old son are staying with us over Christmas, and I’m already dreading it. He’s an only child and used to being the centre of attention. My three older children have never really liked him, as he doesn’t like to share his toys or play group games. I’ve tried in the past to get them to play board games, but they nearly always ended in an argument. I’ve spoken to my sister about the family tension, but she just brushed it off, saying to leave them to work it out themselves. What would you recommend?

There is nothing like Christmas to blur the boundaries we work so hard to uphold all year long.

Even when we know a particular family gathering will be tense and fraught, we still go ahead and plan it in the name of spending the holiday together as a family.

You’re dreading this gathering because you can anticipate with some degree of certainty how it will go. This state, called anticipatory arousal, pushes us into heightened emotions.

The pros are that it can keep us primed to notice signs of threat and ready to respond if one arises.

However, the cons are that when we are locked into this state of arousal, we become a little like emotional meerkats, scanning our environment for signs that we are right to feel the way we do.

In looking for evidence that you are right to dread the arrival of your sister and her family, you may end up sabotaging it for yourself — if only to be proven right.

By openly looking for signs that their stay will be dreadful, you could miss the moments that are actually quite lovely.

If you are shaking your head as you read this, knowing that it won’t be at all lovely to spend Christmas together, then I wonder if you wouldn’t, perhaps, be better off calling off your sister’s visit or arranging a shorter time together.

If you go ahead, consider how you structure their stay. Could you ask your children to find a way to include their younger cousin in some activities on the day?

Alongside this, keep in mind that it is a big ask of your children to handle their cousin. So, when you suggest they play board games, for example, you could structure it so everyone, including the grown-ups, plays.

Build in movement breaks and a change of scenery during the day so everyone gets a break, and give each other breaks too.

After dinner, perhaps you, your sister, and her child could get out for a walk while the others clear the dinner table before dessert.

This shift gives your children a break from their cousin, but because they are clearing the table, he won’t feel that he is missing out on something fun by being outdoors.

I wonder what might happen if you were, as your sister suggests, to let them work it out themselves?

Maybe that’s not a bad idea. And if your children were to call their cousin out on his behaviour, it might compel him to change it.

December 25 can be an intense day, and families often feel under pressure. Manage expectations, but also allow yourself to be surprised by the good things that happen.

If you have a question for child psychotherapist Dr Joanna Fortune, please send it to [e-mail]