Joanna Fortune: My two-year-old is missing her granny, who had to undergo surgery 

My daughter is asking lots of questions about when Granny will be coming back to play with her. She cries when I say Granny is not well right now. How can I explain to her what is going on?

My mum had to go into hospital recently for a heart bypass. Her doctor expects her to make a full recovery but it will take up to six months. We’re all hugely relieved. 

Up until the surgery, she looked after my three-year-old daughter two days a week. They are very close. 

My daughter is asking lots of questions about when Granny will be coming back to play with her. She cries when I say Granny is not well right now. How can I explain to her what is going on?

What a shock you’ve had. I’m so glad to hear she is recovering, though, in many ways, the shock you’ve all experienced may take longer to recover from.

Young children thrive on calm, clear, consistent care arrangements. It makes sense that your daughter is wondering where her granny is and when she can go back to stay with her, as she has been such an important part of her care plan each week.

Your child is very young so, of course, she cannot and should not know all of the specifics of Granny’s condition but she may well need to hear your message in a more detailed way to help her make sense of it.

For example, in her life so far, when someone is “unwell”, it might mean they have a sofa day with some cartoons and cuddles and then they feel better. It may even mean they miss a couple of days of pre-school but then they return relatively quickly to themselves. However, in this instance, Granny hasn’t bounced back, so she knows, at some level, that this is not the typical “unwell” scenario. When you keep repeating that Granny is not well, it doesn’t align with her understanding of that word, so it’s understandable that she gets upset or frustrated with you.

I suggest that you use the language of play to help your daughter understand what is happening. Play is how children make meaning of their experiences. Sit with her and take some small-world characters (dolls’ house figures, little animals or dinosaurs, Playmobil figures, etc) and play out what is happening. Have figures representing each important person in her life. Show the granny figure in a bed with doctors and nurses taking care of her. Show the little girl character missing her granny and, with the parent character, suggest they draw a picture for granny and then show it to the granny figure, for example. Then, in the real world, suggest she draw a picture for her Granny.

This type of play gives her an image of where Granny is and that they can still be connected. You can change the play to follow the trajectory of Granny’s treatment and recovery.

When Granny returns home and feels up to it, bring her to visit for short bursts of time, increasing as her capacity improves. Consider making video calls, during which Granny can sing a song to her or read her a story.

It’s important she knows that Granny still exists, even if they are not seeing each other like they used to. There are many ways to keep their playful connection active, even through distance. You can also talk about how Granny is working hard to get better and how we all want her to be better so we can play again, so the talk is more focused on recovery than the illness.

Remember, you’ve had a fright. You deserve to take care of yourself, too.

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