Joanna Fortune: I'm worried about bringing my noisy children to wedding 

Joanna Fortune: "Weddings are about the adults getting married, first and foremost. If the couple said they would like children to be a part of their day, I wonder if they are included in the wedding planning."

We’ve been invited to a family wedding during the summer. My two boys, aged five and three, are super excited about meeting their cousins. I’m quietly dreading it as they are usually difficult to control whenever we visit friends or attend an event. 

I’ve tried negotiating with them, but it has no impact. Can I do anything to ensure they are on their best behaviour during the wedding?

Negotiating with children this age is like having the radiator on with the window open — it’s pointless.

When you say “on their best behaviour”, it seems to suggest an unrealistic ideal rather than their actual best on what is (often) a taxing day.

Weddings are about the adults getting married, first and foremost. If the couple said they would like children to be a part of their day, I wonder if they are included in the wedding planning. For example, will there be a room beside the event room where children can play, hang out, run around, and make noise? 

Will that room be supervised by someone, or as the parents of those children, can you all agree on a routine of taking turns to supervise them? 

If this is not the plan, would you consider bringing a familiar babysitter who can take the children to their bedroom at a certain part of the afternoon and let them eat, relax, and play before settling them into bed? 

This would also allow you the space and opportunity to enjoy the wedding without worrying about your children’s behaviour.

Weddings can be overwhelming for children. A big part of what makes them and similar events so difficult for them is that the day starts early with much waiting and sitting around. They then have to get into photos and follow a string of instructions, and there are often big gaps between mealtimes with food that isn’t familiar to them.

You can plan to offset some of this by:

• Bringing small toys, nothing noisy, as you don’t want to interrupt the ceremony;
• Packing picture books and colouring books with crayons;
• Offering water and snacks to ensure they do not get thirsty or hungry, as those are two physical states guaranteed to trigger upset;
• Taking breaks — either work as a couple or with other parents at the wedding to take the kids away from the action for movement breaks and opportunities to play and run around (or take a rest) throughout the day.

The other option is not to bring them. This might sound extreme, and if you think it would cause more upset than it would solve, disregard it. But if you believe that your two very young children will not manage the demands of a long wedding day, then maybe it is in their interests not to go. 

You could thank the couple for thoughtfully including them and say they are still too young to participate in this kind of day, so you’re choosing to leave them with grandparents or a babysitter instead.

Whatever you decide, ensure you have a plan for your little ones. It is the couple’s day, but once children are invited guests, their presence must be mindfully considered and arrangements made to ensure they can participate, enjoy, and take breaks.

I hope you have a lovely day.

• If you have a question for child psychotherapist Dr Joanna Fortune, please send it to [e-mail]