Joanna Fortune: My daughter is struggling to make friends — what can I do to help? 

Joanna Fortune: "Friendship is such a big part of life that when it proves difficult for us, it can overwhelm everything that is going well in our lives." Picture: iStock.

My daughter is 16, brilliant for her age, and seems to connect better with people older than her. In everything she tries, whether it’s sports or artistic pursuits, she excels. 

However, her social life is non-existent. She feels there is something wrong with her and wonders why she can’t hold on to friends. Her confidence is starting to take a battering.

Friendship is such a big part of life that when it proves difficult for us, it can overwhelm everything that is going well in our lives. You detail in your letter how bright, able, and engaged your daughter is across a variety of activities.

You also note that she excels in most areas, and she seems to find it easier to connect with older and more mature individuals.

Her peer group may perceive her as being beyond them. They may not feel a connection with her if they perceive her as being more intelligent and more mature than they are. The story they tell themselves may be that she is not interested in what interests them.

You don’t mention her friendships when she was younger, and I find myself wondering if she has always struggled, or if perhaps this struggle began when she transitioned to secondary school.

Has she ever invited someone from her year to hang out with her? I know this can be a very hard thing to do, as it runs the risk of rejection and that may be too much for her right now, but I mention it because it may be more manageable to focus on making an individual connection rather than trying to connect with a group of school peers.

This approach would allow the peer group to get to know her a little better on a one-on-one basis and could make it easier to approach the group when she has a stronger connection with someone from it.

At her age, friendship issues are multi-layered. She needs to develop an understanding of why she is finding this so difficult. She also requires support in exploring connections within her broader environment with a new perspective, as well as gentle yet proactive encouragement to develop new social connections and to stay socially engaged.

She cannot achieve this on her own, and it sounds like you have done a great deal with, and for, her so far. Would she be open to meeting with a psychotherapist or counselling psychologist, who could support her in working through some of her disappointments and frustrations?

Such a professional could also help her rebuild her confidence and self-esteem.

You mention her connecting with older people, but I’m not sure how much older you mean. Does she have a friend within this older group she connects with? It may not solve the problem in school, but it could remind her that she is, and can be, a good friend.

It seems your daughter needs to start fresh with how she is approaching friendships.

It may also be worth discussing her situation with her year head at school and exploring their perception of her challenges in making friends, as well as seeking practical suggestions that could support her in developing peer connections for the remainder of her time in secondary school.

• If you have a question for child psychotherapist Dr Joanna Fortune, please send it to [e-mail]