Joanna Fortune: My teen daughter refuses to help around the house 

"What you are also experiencing is an example of how teenagers embrace the art of delay."

My teenage daughter refuses to help at home during the school holidays. She spends most of the day in her bedroom messaging her friends on social media, and she’s out almost every night. I’ve asked her to do some basic jobs, such as emptying the dishwasher or putting the clothes on the line, but she always puts them off. I usually end up doing it myself because I don’t want to have another argument. Sometimes, it seems like I’m living with a stranger.

I am guessing your daughter is in early to mid-adolescence, an intense developmental stage that can leave parents feeling like they are living with a stranger.

She believes she has left the age of command (do as you’re told) and has entered the age of consent (compliance is negotiable and up to her). This mindset means that when you ask her to do something, she feels she can decline on her terms without considering how that might make you feel.

She may not think there is anything wrong or amiss in what she is doing, so when you react in a frustrated way towards her, she will simply think you are being unreasonable.

What you are also experiencing is an example of how teenagers embrace the art of delay.

For example, when you ask her to empty the dishwasher, she says, “I will in a minute.” Then, 30 minutes later, you repeat your request with a tone of frustration, and she says, “Yeah, I said I would do it in a minute.”

Of course, she doesn’t do it.

If you confront her with the fact that she said she would do it, but you ended up doing it, she is likely to respond by saying, “You have no patience – I said I would do it, but you wouldn’t wait”.

This challenging behaviour is typical during adolescence. It puts pressure on your relationship with your teenager, which is already undergoing significant changes.

She is pulling away from you and leaning into her peer group (again, very normal, but it can also feel like rejection as a parent).

She is experimenting with new styles, tastes, interests, and behaviours that (from her point of view) establish that she is “nothing like you” any more. 

This experimentation is part of the adolescent task of separation and individuation and an essential part of their development.

When things are calm, sit together as a family and remind everyone that part of being in a family means everyone helping out and that you are not responsible for all household chores.

Talk about mutual respect and agree on an assignment of chores between you.

Perhaps let everyone in the family choose one (use a dice to decide who picks in what order) or write each one down on a piece of paper, fold it over, place them in a bowl and take turns picking one out.

Explain that these tasks have to be done. Everyone gets one reminder, but if they are not done, it is back to a family meeting.

After a few family meetings in a week, she will either do it or have other family members prompt her to do it to avoid all the meetings.

• You might find this episode of my podcast helpful – exa.mn/15-Minute-Adolescence.
• If you have a question for child psychotherapist Dr Joanna Fortune, please send it to [e-mail]