Joanna Fortune: Going on holidays with my sister but our parenting styles could not be more different

children are running towards the shore at the sea in swimming trunks, running on the sand, enjoying themselves and being happy

My children love my sister’s older children, so we’ve booked a joint week in the sun next month. We are close, but our parenting styles couldn’t be more different. She lets the children stay up late and eat when they are hungry, while I prefer a structured approach so everyone knows what to expect. How can we avoid falling out over the children?

You and your sister have good insight into each other’s parenting styles and you get along despite your differences. Managing these differences on holidays requires planning.

Option 1: Tell your sister how excited your children are to be away with their cousins, and ask her if you can agree on a ‘holiday’ bedtime and mealtime routine together. This will require some compromise from you both. One solution could be to leave her children’s bedtimes up to her, but agree on shared family sit-down mealtimes for the week.

Talk before travelling and agree on some pertinent points, such as:

• You will not undermine each other’s parenting of respective children;
• You will support each other’s choices in front of the children;
• You will not interfere with how each other parents your children.

Option 2: Talk with your children (adjust this advice based on their ages) and explain that while you are all going on holidays together, you are two families.

Outline that they will spend time with their cousins and aunt during the day, but will still sit and eat together at mealtimes and have a set bedtime. Perhaps lights-out could be a little later on holiday.

Option 3: Approach the holiday with an open mind, let go of your routine as much as possible or suitable (depending on the children’s ages), and tolerate a more casual approach to eating and bedtimes for this one week.

You say you prefer a more structured approach, but structure is flexible and adaptable; it can bend without breaking.

Making conscious changes to your routine with your children in mind is not moving away from structure; it is changing it temporarily.

When you holiday with other families (be they friends or extended family), it is not only typical that frustrations will flare, it is to be expected. Most people have a saturation point and need a break from each other, even for a short while.

You are concerned about your children’s routine, but I suspect a routine is also very reassuring for you, and the anticipation of a ‘rule-free’ holiday is causing you some anxiety. Like children, we become grumpy when we are out of routine and overwhelmed.

Knowing this is half the battle, having a plan to deal with it in advance is the other half.

• See if your accommodation is spacious enough to ensure you have space or room to retreat to for a break or see what space is nearby for a quiet alone-time walk;
• Plan daytime or evening activities that are flexible and which allow you to choose to go or to stay at home doing your own thing with your children. You can also agree with your sister that you will give each other an alone day and take care of the other’s children that day.

Have fun and enjoy the time together.

• If you have a question for child psychotherapist Dr Joanna Fortune, please send it to [e-mail]