Colman Noctor: Fafo parenting trend puts the focus on behaviour, not connection 

When I looked into the Fafo parenting approach, it seems beneath the provocative language lies an idea that is not new at all. Allowing children to experience the natural consequences of their choices has been around since time immemorial. Picture: iStock

Lighthouse parenting, gentle parenting, snowplough parenting, helicopter parenting, and free-range parenting are just a few examples of parenting trends that have done the rounds in recent years. These trends tend to arrive with a flourish, sometimes with a neat acronym or catchy title, and promise certainty in a world that feels anything but.

Being an effective parent is not about strictly adhering to a model or trend, but about having the flexibility to adjust our parenting approach and the pace of our expectations to each child’s needs. While one approach might work for one child, it will not for another, so the key is to mix and match our approaches to suit our children’s needs and our circumstances.

The latest parenting trend to do the rounds on social media is Fafo, an acronym for ‘Fuck Around and Find Out’. My first impression upon hearing about this was that the title is blunt, even abrasive, and when applied to children, it sounds careless, harsh, or dismissive. 

But it is not uncommon for influencers to use swear words to sound ‘edgy’ or novel. Yet, when I looked into the Fafo parenting approach, it seems beneath the provocative language lies an idea that is not new at all. Allowing children to experience the natural consequences of their choices has been around since time immemorial.

At its best, Fafo parenting is less about indifference and more about parental restraint. It asks parents to step back rather than step in, to resist the urge to rescue, and to trust discomfort can be a useful teacher. 

At its worst, however, it risks becoming a justification for emotional withdrawal or a misunderstanding of what children actually need at different stages of their development. As with most parenting trends, the truth lies somewhere in the middle.

Many parents are not just tired but deeply worn down by the relentless emotional labour of modern parenting. We are more informed than ever, more anxious than ever, and more judged than ever before. Every decision is scrutinised by professionals, peers, or, increasingly, strangers online. In that context, Fafo parenting can feel like permission to exhale. To loosen the grip and to remind ourselves that we do not have to micromanage every outcome.

School of hard knocks

There is solid psychological reasoning behind allowing children to experience consequences in the so-called "laboratory of life". Learning theory tells us behaviour is shaped most powerfully by lived experience. An uncomfortable truth for many modern-day parents is that a child who forgets their lunch and is left to manage the day without it is far more likely to remember it than a child whose lunch is dropped off by their parents halfway through the day.

A teenager who stays up too late and feels tired the next morning may begin making different choices about sleep. It’s important for us to remember that sometimes making a child accountable for their actions is not punishment. 

However, in the case of a child with dyspraxia, for example, whose executive functioning is so impaired they are not unwilling to be organised, but unable, then this ‘school of hard knocks’ approach may be counterproductive.

In terms of making a young person accountable, Fafo parenting resembles authoritative parenting, a style consistently linked to the best long-term outcomes for children.

Authoritative parents are warm, emotionally available, and establish clear boundaries. They allow autonomy within a framework of safety and connection, letting a child ‘work out’ what suits them best while remaining present, caring, and observant.

The difficulty occurs when Fafo is removed from its relational context. Children are not miniature adults, and childhood should not be seen as an apprenticeship for adulthood. Children’s capacity for judgment, impulse control, and foresight develops gradually, unevenly, and is not fully established until well into early adulthood. 

Many of these skills develop through ‘messing around’, which is often a child’s way of testing limits and understanding cause and effect. Most childhood behaviour is driven by emotion rather than logic.

Children need adult feedback to learn how to regulate themselves and to understand what is enough and what is too much. If parents interpret this solely through a behavioural perspective, they may overlook the underlying emotional needs.

Adult intervention and understanding are vital in parenting. When a six-year-old refuses to wear a coat, they are not making a calculated decision about the weather and their health; they are asserting their independence. Allowing them to feel cold for a short walk to the car might be reasonable. 

However, letting them become genuinely distressed or get cold and wet is not. A teenager who ignores repeated reminders about schoolwork may need to face the academic consequences of this choice, but if they are struggling with anxiety, dyspraxia, overwhelm, or a growing sense of inadequacy, ‘finding out’ without support can quietly reinforce a narrative of failure.

In my experience, the world of natural consequences works well for a young person who is unwilling, but is less suitable for one who is unable. The ability to distinguish between these concepts is the holy grail of parenting.

This is where the tone of Fafo parenting matters more than the tactic. Is the parent curious or contemptuous? Calm or cutting? Present or performatively detached? Children are highly sensitive to their caregivers’ emotional stance. A parent who says: “I trust you to manage this, and I’m here if you need help,” conveys a very different message from one who says, “You’ll learn the hard way”.

Not all children learn in the same way. Neurodivergent children, those with anxiety, or children who have experienced trauma often find it difficult to clearly connect cause and effect. For them, repeated negative outcomes may not lead to learning but rather cause shame.

Fafo parenting is often presented as a reaction against the popularity of ‘gentle parenting’, which is caricatured as permissive, indulgent, or chaotic. Gentle parenting, when properly understood, isn’t about avoiding boundaries or consequences. It’s about delivering them with empathy rather than fear. 

These two approaches are not mutually exclusive. In fact, they overlap more than the social media narrative suggests. But gospelising any approach and following it to the nth degree is unwise. No one has the parenting gig sorted.

Raising resilient children

Many will argue the Fafo trend harks back to a similar parenting style we experienced as children, where we were naturally expected to be resilient. We often learned lessons the hard way, sometimes painfully, and we survived. 

However, survival is not the same as thriving, and despite our nostalgic view of growing up in the 1980s or ’90s, many adults today carry emotional baggage from experiences they were unprepared for. 

There was a cost to an era where children were left in unsafe environments or with unsafe adults, and their voices were ignored, and we should exercise caution in our desires to return to that time.

Healthy parenting requires emotional availability. It involves checking in after the child has experienced the consequence of making a mistake, naming the feeling, and helping the child understand what occurred.

“That was tough. What do you think you might do differently next time?” Without this reflective layer, the lesson may be completely missed.

Rearing resilient children also requires parents to endure their own discomfort. Watching a child struggle triggers strong instincts to intervene. Stepping back can feel like neglect, even when it is developmentally suitable. The challenge is learning to tell the difference between rescuing and supporting, between protection and overprotection.

If you can look past the harsh and dismissive tone of Fafo parenting, the most useful way to think about it is as a tool, not a philosophy.

The philosophy of stepping back and letting children learn independently is something to draw on selectively, thoughtfully, and always in relationship with the child in front of you. The goal is not to teach children that the world is unforgiving, but to convince them they are capable of navigating it, and they are not alone when they stumble.

Ultimately, good parenting is not about always getting it right. It is about remaining connected, staying curious, and being willing to repair when things go wrong. If Fafo parenting helps some parents loosen their grip and trust their children a little more, it may have value. If it becomes an excuse to disengage or harden our approach, it risks missing the very thing children need most: a steady, compassionate adult who walks alongside them as they figure things out. 

And perhaps the real lesson worth holding onto is not that children must ‘find out’, but that learning, like growing up, is something we do best when we are supported, not abandoned, in the process.

So, by all means, encourage independence in your child and allow them to experience surmountable stress as a means of achieving growth. But intervening when your child is struggling to the point of distress means you are not preventing them from ‘finding out’, but simply supporting them to grow in a way that feels safe. 

We need to convey the message, ‘You got this’ to our children, with the caveat that if they don’t, we’ve got their back.

• Dr Colman Noctor is a child psychotherapist