Joanna Fortune: My ex-wife demeans my parenting abilities 

"The best outcome is when we can reach a place in the separation from which we can co-parent respectfully, in the best interests of our children." Pic: iStock

I share custody of our young child with my ex-wife. She blames me whenever anything goes wrong, including when our child gets sick. I’ve asked her, on numerous occasions, to stop blaming me or contact her solicitor if she genuinely feels I’m at fault. But, she continues sending me texts that blame me and that often demean my parenting abilities.

The end of a relationship is difficult for the adults involved, never mind the children. While you don’t say how long you have been separated, it seems the hurt and anger are still raw for you both, albeit in different ways.

Of course, the best outcome is when we can reach a place in the separation from which we can co-parent respectfully, in the best interests of our children.

Our children act out what they see in us. They will respect us when they see us respect ourselves, them, and the other parent.

The rule of thumb when a relationship breaks down is that each parent agrees to:

• Never keep secrets about the child from the other parent;
• Never speak badly of each other in earshot of your child (and hold in mind that earshot range is longer than you can imagine);
• Smile when doing handovers; smile at your child and let them see you smile at each other.

Your aim is to make the transition happier for the child, so they are not worried about whichever parent they are leaving for the day, night, or weekend.

Your child will pick up on the tension that continues in text messages and in non-verbal communication between you.

As co-parents, accept that you will each have parental beliefs that do not align. Your longer letter mentions that you feel blamed when your child gets sick. It is normal for a young child to pick up a variety of bugs or viruses by being around other children.

I am inferring that you feel judged based on something your co-parent deems essential (our child must always wear a coat and hat while outdoors) that you might view more flexibly (our child will wear clothing appropriate to the weather at the time). I am highlighting this example to show how even a slight difference in parental beliefs can be used to hurt each other, even in situations where there isn’t a clear right and wrong.

If you cannot reach an amicable co-parenting agreement, you might consider attending therapy to help process your emotions. Or you could consult a mediator to reach a more formal agreement about communication around your child.

As best we can, even under challenging circumstances, we have to find a way to co-parent in a calm, cohesive way, so that our children see that we mean it when we say that while our feelings for each other have changed, our love for them has not.

Loving your child is the one thing you will always have in common with your ex-partner. Having this as your shared starting point, and your secure base to return to when other emotive issues take over, is a good way to ground yourself and stay focused on your shared goal and what matters most.

• If you have a question for child psychotherapist Dr Joanna Fortune, please send it to [e-mail]