Joanna Fortune: My child has been excluded from their friend group

Dr Joanna Fortune: "Sometimes, what our children experience in school is not bullying but falls under what we could describe as 'mean' or 'rude' behaviour, which can also be very challenging."

My eight-year-old daughter dreads going to school because she's been excluded from her friend group. It seems the group leader decides who's 'in' and who's 'out', which can change from week to week. I've spoken to her teacher, who says this happens all the time at this age, and they will probably grow out of it. Is there anything I can do in the meantime?

Bullying is very serious and should be treated as such.

Bullying is defined as conscious, targeted, repeated behaviour by one person against another or one person inciting a group to act out against another.

Sometimes, what our children experience in school is not bullying but falls under what we could describe as 'mean' or 'rude' behaviour, which can also be very challenging.

Your daughter's teacher has told you that what is happening at school is a common dynamic in children this age. Her response is undoubtedly based on a broad frame of reference on how children in this age range often behave and interact. But regardless of what is driving your child's isolation, it still needs to be addressed.

At this age and stage of development, children’s friendship patterns change and evolve. They tend to be more selective, choosing whom they want to play with rather than playing more openly and generically.

How they play also changes, with more group-organised play and more pronounced social dynamics emerging in their play (hanging out, chatting, talking about things together, etc.). That said, imaginative play remains an integral part of their interactions, and we should seek to make it available and appealing to this age group to help them develop crucial social skills.

It sounds like the leader of your daughter's group of friends is exploring the power of deciding who can and cannot play. A lesson in school about being inclusive and kind in friendships and reflecting on how it might feel to be left out would be helpful. Alongside this, I would suggest you work with your daughter to develop her confidence and self-esteem so she can better manage the friendship dynamics as they arise. 

It's a huge benefit that she is talking with you about the difficulties she is experiencing. To keep that door of communication open, practice some key phrases she can use when or if the exclusion happens again. For example, 'You are not the boss of play or other people', 'You don’t get to decide who plays and who doesn’t' or 'I don’t want to play if anyone else is being left out because it’s not kind'. These phrases will help her stand her ground and assert and hold her boundaries, which can be empowering. 

Also, gently enquire if there is someone else she could play with who doesn’t leave her feeling so low. Be curious and interested in children other than this child who is doing the excluding.

My two-part podcast on children’s friendships might be of interest.

• If you have a question for child psychotherapist Dr Joanna Fortune, please send it to [e-mail]