Joanna Fortune: My son is very jealous of his younger brother 

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My firstborn is about to turn five. He is sometimes contrary, like things his own way, and is very jealous of his almost three-year-old brother. Last week at a birthday party, he and his friend clashed heads by accident. He never stopped talking about this all evening and kept asking me why his friend hurt him. I explained that it was an accident, but all he kept saying was how he was going to hurt him when he got back to play school. I was shocked. I wonder if this behaviour is normal. He seems to be oversensitive.

It sounds as though your son was shocked by the accident and cannot quite understand what happened. In the longer version of your letter, you refer to his jealousy towards his younger brother and wanting what he has. He may be accustomed to you telling him to leave his brother alone — fighting, taking things from him, upsetting him etc. But in the party incident, he perceives he is the one who has had something done to him — this little friend has hurt him and he is the victim deserving of your sympathy.

It can be difficult to explain abstract concepts like “it was an accident or unintentional” to a young child but using play to communicate this might be more effective.

Play is the language of young children — it is how they learn about themselves, others and the world around them. It is how they process and make sense of their experiences. Through play, they integrate new learning, develop understanding, draw conclusions and work out resolutions. Play enables them to create an emotional vocabulary and learn the art of emotional self-regulation.

I suggest you use his language of play to help him understand what happened with his pal so that he can process the experience.

Get some small toy figures (one to represent him, his friend, you and perhaps any other significant people at the event in question).

You want to play out what happened in a short yet succinct way that shows him the characters playing, having the bump, both being upset, both being comforted and ending with hugging/high-fiving and being friends. Use the words: “Oops, we had a bump accident! I have an ouch, and you have an ouch. We are still friends.”

Keep it simple and to the point and play this scenario out in the same way for a few days in a row so that he gets it. This is a technique you can adapt and apply to many situations where you want to create better understanding in a way that is developmentally accessible for him.

This type of play is also something you can do to support him in managing his apparent jealousy of his younger brother.

When young children struggle to share their space, toys and even their parents with younger children, they can benefit from a small ringfenced amount of playtime one-on-one with you each day, or as many days as you can manage. Even 15 minutes each day, perhaps when his brother has gone to bed, is napping, or whatever works best within your family schedule.

By connecting with him in a structured and predictable way, is less likely to need to default to other behavioural strategies to pull your focus to him. I explore this issue further in my book 15-Minute Parenting (0-7 years).

• If you have a question for child psychotherapist Dr Joanna Fortune, please send it to [e-mail]