Joanna Fortune: My 11-year-old is constantly checking her new phone

Tue, 10 Jan, 2023 - 13:29

Child psychotherapist Joanna Fortune

Joanna Fortune

CHILD PSYCHOTHERAPIST

My 11-year-old got a phone for Christmas. Already she’s spending hours messaging her friends and is constantly checking her phone. I took it off her last week for a day because I was concerned about her. She got distraught, saying I was cutting her off from her friends. What should I do?

Your daughter has just been given her first phone, and it makes sense that she is excited to use it.

Instead of confrontation, it may be best to use paradox. So, rather than telling her that she is misusing the phone, tell her that you got it wrong.

Say you realise you didn’t do a very good job explaining the rules for using a phone at home but that you would like to do that now.

Ensure she is talking to friends in real-life every day and never just on phone messaging platforms.
Let her know that there are phone-free rooms, for example, no phones are allowed in bedrooms or the dining room.
Explain the ‘one screen at one time’ rule – this means she is watching TV or on her phone but not the two simultaneously.
There are boundaries around when the phone can be used – no phones between 8pm and 8am, for example
All devices stay downstairs overnight, and parents are in charge of WiFi access and can cut off access if phone rules are broken.
You will be checking her phone to ensure that she is safe, respected and respectful in her usage but you will do this with her and not behind her back.

I suggest you write up an agreement using positive language that reflects these rules.

For example: “In this family, we leave our phones downstairs overnight; in this family we keep our bedrooms and dining room as phone-free zones etc” and ask her to sign it along with you.

The next step is crucial. You need to become aware of your phone usage habits.

While you can be clear that the same rules that apply to an 11-year-old are not the same for grown-ups, there are ones you can follow, such as the ‘one screen at a time’ rule and not having phones at mealtimes or in your bedroom.

I also strongly suggest that you include ‘play’ as a condition of use. In your agreement include a line that says, “in this family we play and connect each day” and make sure that you set aside at least 15 minutes each day when you are playing, having fun and laughing together. (My podcast 15-Minute Parenting has many suggestions on how to do this.)

These are suggested guidelines; you can adapt and develop your own rules for usage and family agreement.

CyberSafeKids has some great resources to help parents support their children in navigating this stage.Also, Newstalk FM’s Jess Kelly is worth following for her tips about the best technology for children, what parents need to be aware of, and suggestions for less screen time.