Joanna Fortune: I'm worried my teenage daughter is working too hard at school 

'Perfectionism can be linked to low self-esteem.'

Joanna Fortune

CHILD PSYCHOTHERAPIST

My daughter is 17 years old and takes her schoolwork very seriously. She’s in sixth year and is already studying for up to five hours a night. I want her to do well in the Leaving Cert but not at a cost to her mental health. What would you suggest?

Balance and pacing are needed to ensure your daughter does not develop anxiety or burnout due to the pressure she is putting on herself.

Perfectionism is not the same as holding yourself to high standards or expecting to do well.

Perfectionism is about unrealistically high expectations that lead to placing enormous pressure on ourselves and then even if we do well or achieve the task at hand, our focus moves to dismissing or minimising the achievement as undeserved (‘The exam was an easy one. Imagine what I could have achieved if I worked a bit harder’) and the achievement is not enjoyed.

Perfectionism can be linked to low self-esteem, hence the feeling of not having deserved the success you’ve achieved.

Though it’s worrying to see perfectionism in a young person, it is damaging at any age.

There are different types of perfectionism:

Other-oriented perfectionism: when we hold impossibly high standards for others and hold others to these standards

Self-oriented perfectionism: when we hold ourselves to impossibly and often unrealistically high standards

Socially-prescribed perfectionism: when we hold other people (parents, coaches, teachers, people of particular standing in society) or society at large to unrealistically high standards, or we perceive that others and/or society somehow holds us to those impossibly high standards.

There are telltale signs a young person may be struggling with perfectionism and these include:

• They take ages to complete homework or other such tasks because they never feel it is good enough
• Your child is highly sensitive and shows an overt fear of failure, believing that if they fail, they will have let others down or will be judged harshly

• Your child is self-critical and may have trouble prioritising tasks. In an exam situation, this can mean they spend far too much time on one question regardless of how many points it is worth and run out of time for the rest

In addition to being self-critical, you may observe your child being highly critical of others.

Your daughter sounds motivated and passionate about her schoolwork, which is great. Let her know that you see her efforts and are proud of her.

Add that you want to support her in doing well and that doing well will require breaks, time to laugh, time with friends and time to rest.

Encourage fun activities where the focus is on participation over achievement.

Model healthy self-talk and practise healthy coping skills to manage disappointment and frustration better.

Ask her to keep you company on a walk/swim every evening to ensure there is at least a break and opportunity to move and change her field of vision each day and perhaps plan a movie night out with her once a week.

• If you have a question for child psychotherapist Joanna Fortune, please send it to [e-mail]