Sex defies the years: Why you don't have to lose access to intimacy as you age
Closeup portrait of a mature couple lying in bed at home
Only young, ‘attractive’ people are allowed to be sexual. Once you reach [insert arbitrary age here], you should stop, because old people plus sex equals yuck. Anyway, oldies no longer have the drive to have sex, and by ‘old’ we are talking people over 50.
The idea that you are no longer a sexual being because you have reached a random number on a calendar is as ridiculous as it sounds. Yet thanks to cultural conditioning, being sexually active beyond middle age and into old age — or even talking about it — remains largely taboo.
“There’s a lot of pushback,” says Joan Price, speaking to me on Zoom from the US. She is the author of several books on senior sex, including , written when she was 61. Now “82 and a half and proud of every month”, she and her partner of nine years, also in his 80s, enjoy more sex than your average Gen Z.
Price calls our cultural reluctance to acknowledge senior sex ‘the ick factor’: “We are taught that older people are not desirable, that the only desirable, worthy-of-sex people are young, slim, hard-bodied, and wrinkle-free,” she laughs. “When did we ever look like that?”
She says that as a result of this squeamishness, “Older people being sexual are either invisible, or they’re laughed at, or they’re shunned, blamed, or shamed. Yet, unless you die young, you’ll be lucky enough to grow old. Don’t you want to take that pleasure with you?”
Price and her partner certainly do. “Bring it on!” Price says.
She talks about how sex between ageing bodies means making adaptations and adjustments, both physical and psychological.
“As we age, hormones decline, blood flow is less energetic, and our arousal, whatever our gender, is slower,” she says. “Many people give up; there’s nothing spontaneous happening. But instead of thinking, ‘It’s not like it used to be’, we can ask ourselves, ‘What do we need to do to make it work for us?’”
Letting go of old ideas of what sex ‘should’ involve is the first step. “Penetrative sex may not be the most pleasurable or even possible anymore,” Price says. “Erections may not be dependable, vaginas may not be welcoming of penetration. But this is not the only way to have sex; there are many ways to arouse ourselves and each other, to give pleasure, to give and have orgasms. Do what works. Expand what good sex is. Should something not work, we have alternatives.
“We [older people] are very slow to arouse, so schedule time. Make sex dates, where you are not rushed, where a quickie is an hour. Make time if we are partnered: To lie down together, talk, hold hands, kiss, and cuddle. Get ourselves in the mood together, with as much time as we need. Take turns pleasuring each other. Don’t assume that the same thing is going to bring both of you to orgasm - when we were young, it was often easy. Now, we need to concentrate on giving and receiving pleasure. Asking each other, rather than assuming.”
Sex toys help both men and women, Price says.
“It can be the difference between orgasm and no orgasm,” she says. “Get in the habit of having them to hand. Have a sex basket: Toys, lubricant, whatever else we want.”
On Price’s blog, 82-year-old Shamus MacDuff reviews sex toys for men; and there are vibrators for men who no longer get erections.
“Shamus makes wonderful choices,” Price says. “He likes to review vibrators that don’t require an erection to use them, because erections can be iffy. They may be slow to happen or unsustainable, but this is not a barrier to good sex.
Some 59% of Irish people over the age of 50 are sexually active, as are 23% of over 75s, according to Trinity College’s Irish Longitudinal Study on Ageing (TILDA).
“I often invite people to reframe ageing not as the end of their sexual selves, but as a transition in to a different, sometimes deeper, relationship with intimacy, desire, and their bodies,” says sex therapist Paul O’Beirne.
From our 50s onwards, sexual function and libido tend to shift rather than disappear: “Desire may become less spontaneous and more responsive, meaning it emerges in the context of closeness, touch, or emotional connection, rather than appearing out of the blue.”
Sexual capability doesn’t vanish, but evolves.
O’Beirne says: “Arousal can take longer, orgasms may feel different (sometimes less intense, sometimes more diffuse), and the body often benefits from more time, intention, and stimulation. Many of my clients report that, with less pressure and more self-awareness, intimacy can actually become more meaningful in later life.”
For women, “hormonal changes, particularly reductions in oestrogen, can lead to vaginal dryness, thinning of tissues, discomfort during sex, and shifts in desire. There can also be changes in mood, sleep, and body image, all of which influence libido.”
While for men, “Declining testosterone can affect sexual desire, energy, and erectile function. Erections may take longer to achieve, may be less firm, and require more direct stimulation.
“In both cases, these are not failures of the body, but natural physiological transitions. Understanding this can reduce shame and anxiety, which can interfere with sexual function.”
As Joan Price suggests, this is the time to make practical adjustments. O’Beirne suggests the usual helpful tools: Lube and vaginal moisturiser for women, and expanding the definition of sex for men, so that it’s not all about penetration.
“Equally important is communication,” O’Beirne says. “Long-term partners are often navigating these changes together, yet may avoid speaking about them due to embarrassment, fear of hurting the other, or uncertainty about what is normal.
“Honest, compassionate conversations about what feels good, the changes occurring in each other’s bodies, and what each person desires now can be deeply connecting. It shifts the focus from performance to shared experience and mutual pleasure.”
And if you always enjoyed a strong libido and vibrant sexual connection, it’s understandable to feel a bit fed up when this changes.
O’Beirne says: “These changes can bring a genuine sense of loss or grief for a previous sexual self, for spontaneity, or for ease of function. At the same time, sexuality in later life can become more intentional, creative, and collaborative. Couples who are willing to adapt often discover new forms of intimacy and become more attuned, where pleasure, closeness, and emotional connection take centre stage.”
It’s all about renegotiation rather than decline.
Sexologist Emily Power Smith talks about the importance of showing up for each other. “You don’t need a perfect life with loads of free time to be curious about each other or yourself,” she says. “A little note dropped into a pocket, a flower on a pillow, a bath drawn or a meal cooked, a foot rub, or the offer to take some of your person’s load when they are exhausted, are all ways to create a foundation of love and connection.
“As for sexual intimacy, the same applies. You can have conversations about what interests you sexually, over dinner or out for a walk. It can be playful and imaginative. But if your person is just too tired or worn out to even go there, that’s when you discuss how to help them rest more or take a break that will put some fuel back in their tank.”
Power Smith says: “If you’re feeling close and connected, but just a bit bored, talk it out and you may discover it’s time for a new sex toy or your first sex toy. Or you might want to mix things up a bit. Don’t assume that what will work for you will work for your person.”
Just talk, ask questions, and listen to each other; keep exploring, no matter how well you think you know each other. Or you may have just met; dating is for all adults, of all ages.
Never retire yourself sexually unless you want to; the idea that there is a sexual use-by date is nonsense. TILDA research shows that sexually active adults have more positive perceptions not just of ageing, but of their own health and wellbeing. Sex keeps us young.
“We can have lifelong sexual pleasure if we adapt, educate ourselves, and have a good sense of humour,” says Price. “My partner and I laugh and laugh. We ask each other, ‘What hurts and what works today?’ We have aches and pains, joints that don’t work properly. It’s all part of us. These bodies have served us well for all these years. Let’s give them the most pleasure we can.”
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