Joanna Fortune: A trial visit to playschool didn't go well, I'm dreading the real thing in September

My three-year-old daughter is very attached to me. She's an only child, and we do almost everything together. She got distressed when I attempted to leave her at playschool in June, so I stayed with her. What would you advise?

Tue, 12 Aug, 2025 - 01:00

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Joanna Fortune

Child psychotherapist

My three-year-old daughter is very attached to me. She’s an only child, and we do almost everything together. I work part-time, and my mum comes to the house to look after her, so it’s an easy transition.

She is due to start playschool in September and I’m dreading it. A trial visit in June did not go well — she got distressed when I attempted to leave, so I stayed with her. What would you advise?

Toddlers often find transitions challenging because young children thrive in familiar environments where they experience safe predictability.

Any changes in routine that would introduce someone new into their care network or see them entering a new and therefore unfamiliar environment is often met with resistance.

This resistance can be expressed as protest (refusing to go to school) or distress (tears and clinginess) but underpinning both of these overt expressions is a level of worry and uncertainty as to how this new change will go for them.

We know that transitions can activate worry within a child, especially when they don’t yet understand what their time away from their attachment figures will look, sound, and feel like, so the best start is to accept and empathise with their feelings.

Validate it for her: “I know trying new things can feel scary. You don’t know anyone here very well yet but there are lots of children to play with, cool new toys and really kind grown-ups who know how to read great stories. This is a fun place when you get to know it.”

Words are our grown-up way of explaining something but, of course, young children learn by doing more than speaking. So, plan for playing this out.

Take out some small-world toys (miniature dolls from a dolls house/Sylvanian family characters/Playmobil characters, etc) and play out a short scenario of one of the little characters going to a new school, your story can include the little character being nervous and hesitant, hiding behind the parent’s legs and tentatively exploring the new place to discover how much fun it is. Play this out with her many times, certainly daily, to build up an understanding of the transition.

Having a routine that gives her non-verbal but experiential cues on her way in to preschool and home — things that mark the point of separation and reunification for her — can be helpful.

This might look like playing a particular playlist of songs on the drive (if you drive) or playing I-Spy on the walk to the entrance. Then greeting her with a little babycino (small cup of warm milk with a dusting of cocoa powder on top) or a snack and a juice at the end of the day or playing ‘animal walks’ to get home/back to the car (whereby you walk like different animals, taking turns to name an animal to walk like). These are playful ways to cue her that you will leave and return.

Another symbolic way to mark this is to draw a small red heart on your wrist and one on hers. Tell her these are love buttons and press them together when you are saying goodbye, telling her that when she misses you, she can touch this heart and you will send love from your heart to hers.

Books like The Invisible String by Patrice Karst help children to understand that we are still connected even when not together and Going to School from the Usbourne First Experiences range can also be helpful.

Stick with it - lots of reassurance and repetition should help her adjust and settle. Be sure that you have support for yourself, as these transitions are also tough on parents.