'You can’t push through grief': Coming to terms with the death of a parent

The death of a parent is one of the greatest sorrows an adult can face. The grieving process cannot be rushed — it has its own arc. In most cases, the support of close family members and friends is enough, but for some, professional help may be needed, writes Suzanne Harrington

Catherine Tierney: "We grow around our grief. We have to experience all the feelings. And sometimes the second year can be harder, because everyone assumes you’ll have moved on."

Death has two timings: Off time (when a child dies, or an adult dies young, resulting in traumatic bereavement), and on time, when a person dies at the end of their ‘natural’ lifespan (when granny dies in her 90s). We are expected to weather the latter more easily — after all, everyone dies eventually. They had a good innings. This is what we tell each other when an elderly parent dies.

So my ex-husband’s death in his 40s, by suicide, was a radically different experience from my father’s death in his 80s, from old age. The former created psychological shockwaves that required therapy; the latter simply made me sad every time I forgot he was dead and I went to phone him for a chat.