Living with an incurable illness: I never know when my last Christmas will be

Dealing with an incurable illness is difficult at any time, but especially during the festive season, where each moment with loved ones is all the more poignant

Muireann Mc Colgan, who lives in Dublin with her husband Tomasz and their 13-month-old daughter Aobh, is dealing with a diagnosis of metastatic cancer. Diagnosed a year ago after finding a lump in her breast, she had initially been assured that it was nothing to worry about,. but unfortunately, further tests revealed that the cancer had spread to her bones.

Christmas is a special time — families getting together, friends re-uniting, children glowing with excitement and an excuse to indulge for a few days.

But for those with an incurable illness, the festive season takes on a more profound significance — they are all the more likely to appreciate every moment spent with their loved ones and the celebrations.

Remembering how lucky you are 

Hazel Skelton lives in Dublin with her husband Kevin. The 41 year old was diagnosed with HER2-positive breast cancer in 2020, which had also spread to her lymph nodes. After undergoing treatment, she was told in 2022 that she was potentially cancer-free. However, after further tests, it was discovered that it had spread to her brain. 

Pictured at the launch of Our Lady’s Hospice & Care Services’ (OLH&CS) Light Up A Life Remembrance Ceremony is patient Hazel Skelton. 

While responding well to treatment, she has been diagnosed with metastatic cancer and is coming to terms with the fact that there is no cure. Still, she remains upbeat and is determined to enjoy every moment.

“When I first found out it was metastatic, it was absolutely awful and really scary. I went into shock and then survival mode. It has been a rollercoaster, and I’ve been learning how to cope through meditation, yoga, counselling, talking to my friends, accepting my death and organising my funeral,” she says. “Christmas is more poignant because I never know when my last one will be. When you are metastatic, you don’t plan too far in advance, and making it to Christmas was my big hope.

I love Christmas, but not all the madness of the shops, and I am not going to pubs anymore. But I have a few nice dinners booked, and I’ll chill out at home with my family and Kev’s family. We also have a little niece, so there will be lots of lovely family time.

“My advice to someone who is facing their first Christmas with a serious illness is to remember how lucky they are to have made it — I know a lot of people who have died within a few weeks of diagnosis, so if you make it to Christmas, you need to see it as a bonus.

“I know that’s easier said than done, so just make sure to spend as much time with your family and friends as possible. Eat everything you want, enjoy and soak up [the atmosphere] as much as you can because you only have this minute right now. Also, don’t stretch yourself too thin. I’ve done that before, but I’m certainly not going to do it this year.

“So try and cut back to seeing only the people you really want to see and buying presents for people you really want to buy presents for — don’t feel like you have to keep up with the Joneses, just relax and enjoy.”

Learning what matters

Muireann McColgan, who lives in Dublin with her husband Tomasz and their 13-month-old daughter, also has metastatic cancer. Diagnosed a year ago after finding a lump in her breast, she had initially been assured it was nothing to worry about.

Muireann Mc Colgan, who lives in Dublin with her husband Tomasz and their 13-month-old daughter Aobh, is dealing with a diagnosis of metastatic cancer. Picture: Moya Nolan.

Unfortunately, at age 38, further tests revealed that the cancer had spread to her bones, and there was no cure. She took time to come to terms with the nature of her illness but is positive and determined to ensure she and her family have the best Christmas possible.

“Last Christmas was not the easiest time as my diagnosis was still so raw. It still is, to be honest, but it’s a year later, and I’ve done things that I never thought I would — cycling from Dublin to Galway was an ambition of mine, and I did it,” she says.

“I’m probably still in denial, but I’m trying to regain some normalcy. My daughter is by far the best thing that’s ever happened to us. She’s thriving and makes us laugh every day. I’ve also resumed the master's in gastronomy and food studies I had begun — I’m just doing one module this year and will restart work as a chef in the new year.

“I also want to do another charity cycle for Breast Cancer Ireland next summer and will work towards that. We’ve come a long way since getting the news last year and are in a better place.

Of course, it’s still very hard to live with. It never leaves your thoughts, and that can be destructive, but we’re committed to making happy memories where we can. We’ve been away this year and are planning more trips in the spring. My husband’s parents from Poland will join us for Christmas.

“I’m determined to soak up as much of the magic as I can and make it special. If there’s one thing this diagnosis has given me, it’s a new perspective — you learn very quickly what matters.

“My advice to others in a similar situation would be to cry, shout, curse, and get angry if you want to because it isn’t fair, and no one deserves it. People always want you to be positive about your situation, which can become annoying. It’s OK to break down. The best thing I did after my diagnosis was seek out others in a similar situation.

“You can only really understand cancer, or any serious illness, if you’ve been through it. You would be surprised at the kindness of strangers online — they have helped me more than anyone as you can tell them anything and there’s a willingness to help each other. I would have been lost without them.”

Christmas can be difficult

After experiencing stomach discomfort in 2023, Saoirse Nic Gabhainn, professor of health promotion at the University of Galway, visited her GP, who referred her for several tests. The results revealed a shock diagnosis of stage 4 cancer, which had spread from her liver to her lung and was metastatic.

Saoirse Nic Gabhainn. Picture: Martina Regan.

The 58 year old, who has two sons and a stepdaughter, underwent surgery and immunotherapy infusions and is still on medication. Her cancer is ‘life limiting’ and while she doesn’t have too many plans for Christmas, she hopes it will be a relaxing time.

“Christmas is a time for families, and I really loved it when I had children at home — even now, when they are with me, Santa still comes to them,” she says.

“Over the years, we experimented with all sorts of Christmases and often went to the sun for our annual holiday. Last year was my first Christmas with cancer, and my son and I went to my stepdaughter in London. 

My step-granddaughter was the focus of everything, and it was genuinely wonderful. We went to a carol service in St Paul’s and walked around the West End on Christmas Eve to see all the lights and excitement. I was very surprised that I was able for it, but I was.

“I have no plans yet for this year. Not being able to taste food properly and getting really tired means I have less motivation to host or participate in a big Christmas. But I love the winter solstice, and I’ll either have my own bonfire to welcome the sun back or will go to a family member or friend for the event. 

"There are fewer expectations for the solstice, so it’s easier for everyone.

“Christmas can be difficult, with lots of debate about who might host, who will come and what they will eat and who is getting on with who [or not]. It’s huge pressure for one day, and it’s impossible to be perfect. I would be perfectly content spending the day alone, going away, or visiting a friend.”