Is your boss a narcissist?

A driven manager with a narcissistic personality disorder can leave a trail of destruction. Setting up clear boundaries can help you survive their reign if moving on is not an option

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WE tend to promote narcissists to the top tiers of organisations; we elect them; we give them power because they present as efficient, efficacious go-getters who get the job done. And often they do – but will leave a trail of destruction, a high staff turnover, burnt-out colleagues, and bewildered minions. The bad news is they can pop up anywhere.

“My boss initially seemed inspirational, driven,” says Maire*, who worked in a small, people-centred organisation. “But I began to notice how she had to be in charge of everything all the time. She’d be quite unreasonable, expecting me to stay late as a matter of course, but wouldn’t be interested in discussing my progress. If I had an idea, she’d be dismissive but would later present it as her own. I thought I was imagining it at first, but I wasn’t. When I tried to talk to her about it, she became incredibly defensive. This went on for a while, and I felt constantly wrong-footed. In the end, I dreaded going into the office, so I resigned. She’s still there.”

Dr Laurie Cure, a Denver-based management consultant and author of Leading Without Fear, offers a comprehensive list of red flags around narcissistic bosses. These include an unwillingness to be challenged or questioned, needing excessive loyalty, praise and adoration, struggling to accept feedback, and ignoring other people’s opinions. Narcissists show little empathy for colleagues (for example, ‘No, you can’t leave early for [your important life event], work is more important’); they make decisions without involving others; display behaviours like grandiosity, self-importance, fantasised talent or expertise, arrogance; they over-focus on self-image.

They also demand high degrees of personal and positional power to ensure control; gravitate towards high-status individuals within the organisation; are highly competitive; use fear, guilt, shame, punishment and manipulation to gain compliance and control and – most notably - take personal credit for the work of individuals or the team.

Dr Ian Hughes, author of Disordered Mindsand a research fellow at UCC’s Environmental Research Institute, explains the origins of narcissism. “It’s important to distinguish between narcissistic traits and narcissistic personality disorder (NPD),” he says. “Everyone has narcissistic traits – seeking attention, feeling very positive about yourself. These are healthy and a crucial part of our development, beginning when we are young children. We learn to internalise and self-sustain this positive feedback from our parents or carers.

“NPD is when an individual doesn’t develop this internal sustenance, so they are always looking for it externally, to others to shore up their sense of self-worth. When they don’t get it, they can fly into narcissistic rage. Their personality structure is extremely fragile.

“In psychoanalytic theory, it’s a normal part of human development to need to be the centre of attention in early childhood. Then the super-ego develops, acting as a kind of policing function or a conscience – it’s not pejorative or punishing, but acts as a self-directive.

“With NPD, this function has not developed. This can be a result of the parent denigrating the small child, who then develops a punishing super-ego, an internalised voice telling them they’re worthless. In order to fend off this voice, the person develops NPD.”

This can result in the individual telling themselves that they are the best, the greatest, the most wonderful and that everyone else exists to reinforce this. They are driven by a strong ego ideal and controlled by the shame of not living up to that ideal.

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Lack of empathy

Hughes explains that around 5% of the overall population is affected by personality disorder: “Broadly, there are three types of personality disorder – psychopaths, paranoid personality disorder, and narcissistic personality disorder. These three disorders share traits – a lack of empathy, competitiveness, and a need for supremacy, and in extreme cases, a propensity for violence.”

The violence is mostly psychological, however. Narcissism, says Hughes, manifests as “destructiveness towards an employee, where your boss takes things to extremes. Cruelty instead of empathy, for example, if you’re going through something difficult like illness or bereavement, they will double down on deadlines instead of offering support. They will exploit difficult situations. Also, revenge is very important to those with NPD – they never forget slights.”

Many hierarchical workplace structures normalise and even encourage narcissistic traits, where striving for wealth and power is normal, making it difficult to weed out narcissists.

They can proliferate, says Dr Damien Lowry, chartered member of the Psychological Society of Ireland, in the upper tiers of corporate industry and business where “ruthlessness can be rationalised and justified as the cut and thrust of business”.

It’s an invisible problem, says Dublin-based consultant psychologist Eva Doherty. “You might be struggling with a colleague, but it’s quite hard to pin down. Some professions screen for narcissism – there are medical schools around the world that screen for narcissism in doctors because the profession can attract those with NPD.

“All professions where power is integral to the role will attract those with NPD, for whom power and feeling in control is integral, and who are failure-phobic. They will defend themselves to unbelievable levels.”

Narcissism can be categorised either as grandiose/overt or vulnerable/covert. Basically, it’s the difference between Donald Trump and David Brent.

“Overt and covert narcissism share traits,” says Lowry. “An overt narcissist will be very visible, exhibiting extraversion, seeking or demanding attention. This can spill over into aggression, or depending on the environment, possibly even physical violence. Whereas a covert narcissist does not court attention, but is more background, more socially averse.

“This can make them more manipulative, so their narcissism isn’t initially obvious, but under a more shy or withdrawn presentation, the self-absorption and grandiosity will shine through in time. They are more devious in reinforcing their sense of importance and possibly more sophisticated – they’re not alpha bullies, but are more sinister and crafty.”

But all is not as it would appear. Behind the grandiosity lies a fragile psyche.

“Both overt and covert narcissists are deeply vulnerable underneath but have plastered over this vulnerability and sense of inadequacy with delusion and an inflated sense of self-importance,” says Lowry.

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Outcome over process

Prof Patricia Mannix McNamara, head of education at the University of Limerick, has spent 25 years researching narcissism in the workplace.

“The thing with narcissists is that they are effective and efficient, which are qualities we like to promote as we ignore the trail of destruction,” she says. “We promote outcome and ignore process.”

Should you find yourself working for a narcissist and unable to change jobs, her advice is to “set boundaries”.

“Clarify expectations – if you’re tasked with something, be super clear about exactly what it is so that you’re not subsequently gaslighted. Narcissists will always move the goalposts.

“Establish strong boundaries around your own role, so that you don’t end up doing other people’s work for them. This takes both courage and training.

“Document everything – keep meticulous records. Know your rights, and be clear and strong. Often, people are slow to engage with workplace policies around dignity and respect, because they’re afraid of backlash or that it might negatively impact future promotion if they are seen as a trouble maker.

“Workplace bullies and narcissists often leave those who keep their heads down alone – they will pressure those who seek promotion, who clearly want to get ahead because they view these colleagues as a competitive threat. There is still a reluctance in organisations to challenge this behaviour – and a narcissist will fight back using the same tools as you. They’ll exploit policy to coerce people rather than use it as a safety mechanism. Organisations don’t always know how to deal with it.”

Instead, she adds that they may move the narcissist to another area rather than taking them on.

The problem, says Doherty, is that “people don’t realise these are ongoing permanent conditions – they are not mental health issues which can be easily treated, but are innate and enduring, and often visible from early life. It can take 20 years to treat a personality disorder – it’s not like depression or even schizophrenia.”

Nor is there any evidence to suggest that flattering and appeasing a narcissist is a safe or successful strategy. “You could end up undermining yourself, gaslighting yourself,” she warns.

Her advice is clear: “Quit. They’re not going to change.”

*Name has been changed