Sex File: My new man thinks he's great in bed 

The transmission of information during sex tends to be very intuitive. Picture: iStock 

My new partner is a wonderful man, but thinks he knows it all, particularly in bed. I've tried to show him what I like and have tactfully explained that what might have worked for his exes doesn't work for me, but he's still not getting it quite right. I'm running out of ideas.

I know you think your new boyfriend is brilliant, but brilliant new boyfriends are usually smart enough to realise that what worked with their previous partner won't automatically work with their new one. Sexual experience is, to some degree, a transferable skill, but different people like different things and respond to the same kinds of stimulation in different ways.

These differences are, in part, what makes new relationships so exciting. Finding your way around each other's bodies and discovering how to give each other pleasure is a challenge and a reward. It definitely requires both partners to be open, receptive and willing to learn, but often it's about showing rather than telling.

The transmission of information during sex tends to be very intuitive because touch is such a powerful form of communication. You can, of course, use words, but lots of couples let their bodies do the talking and because the body responds to sexual pleasure in such myriad visible and audible ways, it is easy enough to know if you are on the right track. The genitals provide a very obvious indication of arousal, but flushing skin, fluttering eyelids, moans of pleasure or sighs of delight provide a valuable indication that what you are doing is having the desired effect.

Sexual communication describes the process by which people share their preferences and seek and respond to requests for changes. When two people trust each other enough to be completely open and honest about their desires, intimacy grows. Indeed, research shows that when couples feel comfortable disclosing preferences, it increases mutual understanding and leads to an increase in relationship and physical satisfaction. Sexual communication is one of the most important predictors of relationship success, because if you can't talk about what you need, when all you need is 'a little to the left', you haven't got much hope when life throws bigger or more complex problems at you.

Unfortunately, people in general, and women in particular, are acutely sensitive to sexual criticism. This makes it very difficult for them to be explicit about what is or isn't working in bed, and when couples can't be open, everything spirals. When someone who is not enjoying the type of stimulation their partner is providing, says nothing because they don't want to seem demanding or — heaven forbid — defective, the only thing they ensure is that they don't enjoy the sexual experience.

To have great sex, you need to be able to tune in to your partner's sexual desires. Despite showing Mr Know-It-All exactly what you like, he isn't getting it right. It's not a great sign, because if he isn't listening to you now, he is even less likely to do so in two years' time. Every couple is different and they communicate in different ways, but the one common characteristic of happy couples is that they have found a way to have sex that leaves them both feeling their needs are being met.

Your boyfriend has a lot of work to do in this department and having tried and failed with tact, it is time for you to be more direct. Next time he fails to respond to a request, stop having sex and tell him what he is doing wrong. I'm not saying this is easy, but you can use humour to take the heat out of the conversation. You need to be absolutely clear about what it is you want him to do. It is only by removing any possibility of confusion and misinterpretation that you will know for certain whether he will ever be capable of giving you what you want. 

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