Sex File: Why will he only have sex on Sundays?

Spontaneity can make planners feel very uncomfortable indeed, and of course feeling uneasy or anxious is not conducive to good sex

After a long drought, scheduling sex on Sunday mornings has helped to boost our marriage. But now he'll only have sex we've planned. If I'm in the mood and initiate it at any other time he isn't interested. How can I encourage him to embrace spontaneity?

Scheduling has clearly helped to get things back on track in the bedroom, so before you push for increased spontaneity think about why planning might be working for your other half. Is he the kind of man who needs routine in his life? Is he a highly anxious or sensitive person? Is he neuro-diverse? For some people routine is the enemy of creativity and freedom, but for others it is a vital way to impose order on chaos and make life less stressful and more predictable.

Spontaneity can make planners feel very uncomfortable indeed, and of course feeling uneasy or anxious is not conducive to good sex. If you ambush your unsuspecting husband demanding sex that he can't deliver because he is not in the right frame of mind, you will only succeed in alienating him.

The good news is that there are lots of ways to make the process of scheduling sex feel more spontaneous, but instead of ditching the planning you need to lean into it and start using it as a form of foreplay.

Many of us have digital calendars these days. You will need to work together to set this up, but I would create a new private calendar using your personal email addresses and make sure that your husband is the only person it is shared with. Make some test appointments and check that you both get the notifications.

Once the system is up and running you can get creative with how you add appointments. Always use an anodyne title just in case - "tax planning" is always a good one - and you can add emojis or upload funny photos to lighten the tone. Every time you add a date your husband should receive a notification alerting him to the "appointment", which he can accept or decline. Doing this serves two purposes. It gives you some control over the timing of sex and it gives him a heads-up about what you want before you spring things on him that he is not prepared for.

You will still need to be flexible. There are only so many hours in the day, and if your husband is too tired for sex during the week it may never be the best option. Instead, try using your calendar to schedule romance, rather than just sex. Let him know that when he gets home, you have planned to run a bath and get him into bed, where you intend to give him a full body massage. This may or may not lead to sex, but it's an offer no one would turn down. Whatever the outcome, it creates an opportunity for intimacy without making too many demands on him. If he is appreciative, remind him that you can both add sexy surprises to the calendar.

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