Sex File: He's not giving me what I want in bed 

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I have been married for 10 years and for the past five the oral sex in our relationship has just disappeared. I'd like to encourage my husband in this department, but I am not sure if he just doesn't like it or has got out of the habit. It's awkward to bring up - what should I do?

When you've been together for a long time, it's easy to let things slide. You fall into the habit of doing the same thing, in the same way, because you know that it works, and you don't necessarily have all day to do it in. Experimentation is more time-consuming and it generally involves a greater expenditure of energy, so convenience gradually trumps novelty, and your sexual relationship becomes less exciting.

If couples don't feel able to ask each other for what they want, they end up feeling dissatisfied and distant from one another. Instead of ironing out wrinkles in their relationship, they bottle up their feelings and resentment builds. In contrast, communication is a hugely effective catalyst for change and it also exponentially increases the likelihood that you will get what you want. Even if talking about sex makes you feel vulnerable, sharing your thoughts, feelings and desires with your partner will only deepen the level of intimacy and bring you closer together.

Unfortunately, when it comes to oral sex, some men feel that there are different rules for guys. As a result, there is a significant gender gap regarding who gets, and who gives. The winners are usually male. The results of at least three academic studies that have focused on oral sex have found that women in heterosexual relationships give it more frequently to their male partners than they received it.

Sexual inequity makes losers of both partners because when one person's generosity is consistently taken for granted, they eventually stop bothering to make the effort. In contrast, when couples are happy with one another, oral sex is much more likely to be reciprocal, as evidenced in Hui Liu's 2019 research at Michigan State University, which found that couples who feel closer and have better supported and less strained relationships are much more likely to give each other oral sex.

The oral gender gap is gradually closing. What women want is oral sex. Juliet Richters's research at the University of New South Wales in Sydney and Laina Bay-Cheng's work at the University at Buffalo confirm that receiving it is one of the most pleasurable heterosexual behaviours for women. Bay-Cheng also found that while engaging in fellatio at a younger age was associated with lower female self-esteem, women who initiated cunnilingus at younger ages were more likely to report engaging in sexual intercourse for personal gratification and to feel assertive, agentic and skilful.

The good news is that your husband clearly doesn't have an issue with oral sex because he was happy to accommodate you for five years, so he is unlikely to resist if you suggest reinstating it. If you find talking about sex awkward, bringing up the subject is probably going to be your biggest challenge.

 I'd suggest making use of your TV. Watch Bridgerton and just see where the conversation leads you. If words completely fail you, lead by example. Once he has had his turn, it will be much easier to suggest that it is your turn now. Once that has happened, he will hopefully remember how great it is to give you pleasure in this way, and your praise afterwards will encourage him to keep at it.

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