Dr Colman Noctor: A mother doesn't have to be a perfect parent, just a 'good enough' one
The key to being a good enough mother begins with being authentic. Picture: iStock
This is the first time I've written exclusively about the role of mothers. Maybe this is because as a man, there has always been a sense of trepidation about the possible ‘what would you know?’ response, often with the ‘you haven’t given birth’ argument making any challenge hard to counter. But, as a son, a brother, a dad and a child psychotherapist, I am acutely aware of the importance of the role of mothers in family life.
In my Asking for a Parent podcast, I have had the privilege of speaking to well-known Irish people about their experience of growing up and being parented. Over the course of these interviews, I have been struck by the central role each interviewee’s mother has played in their lives. Whether this is a positive or complicated relationship, the level of influence was undeniable.
I’m often vocal and critical about how a certain section of the media and social media try to create a notion of the ‘perfect parent’, with most of this narrative aimed at mothers. She is expected to be ‘all things to all people’, including the perfect ‘earth mother’, the perfect career woman, the perfect homemaker, the perfect partner, with all roles offering opportunities for ‘Instagramable’ moments.
In my opinion, none of these notions is remotely important when it comes to being a ‘good enough mother’.
The benefit of my job is that I get to speak primarily to children about their experiences of being parented. They are the ‘experts by experience’ and they repeatedly tell me about their views on what they perceive as good parenting. The themes I hear time and time again are the importance of ‘availability’ (in terms of quality, not time), the importance of belief in your child’s value without unrealistic pressures, the importance of your child feeling ‘listened to’ (which is not the same as agreed with) and your child knowing that they are loved.
A standout quote from one young person summed it up when he said: ‘My mam doesn’t understand me, but I know that she is trying to, and that’s OK’.
The key to being a good enough mother begins with being authentic. This flies in the face of the contemporary socio-cultural expectations of mothers. Having a marquee in the garden for your child’s communion, or designing a Pintrest-inspired Halloween costume, or having a child achieve 600 points in their Leaving Certificate are not accurate representations of your skills of motherhood, nor are they representative of your child’s experience of being loved.
These sorts of events are not important to a child. Loving experiences are - these can be as simple as a hug to acknowledge their caring nature, acceptance of their view on an issue that is different to yours or supporting them through an experience of adversity that validates their feelings as opposed to dismissing them.
We are led to believe, often by marketers, that role of mother has been greatly changed in the last 10 years, but at its core, the role has not changed much at all in over 50 years. Despite the societal expectations of modern mothers, the reality of good-enough mothering remains unchanged. Perhaps we have over-complicated it?
To go back to my guests on the podcast series who described being parented in the '70s and '80s. The important themes of feeling ‘loved’, ‘cared for’ and ‘listened to’, are as relevant today as they were back then. There was no mention of ‘things’ that their mothers did, but lots of accounts of who their mothers ‘were’ and how they made them feel.
Similarly, I have a very positive personal experience of motherhood. My mother was, and remains, a deeply kind individual who always had my back. Her skills as a mother had nothing to do with what she did, but rather who she was. She led by example through her actions. She never asked for praise and certainly never heard enough thanks for everything that she did.
What good-enough mothers give us is the belief in ourselves to survive the inevitable knocks that the world will present. And, no matter what happens, they will be there for us. It is that belief and presence that allows us as children to feel safe to explore the world.
It is also important to spare a thought for mothers of young children and children with additional needs. During the pandemic, many have found themselves even more tied to domestic roles in a way that harks back to the ’50s. The time, patience and endurance required in these mothering roles is truly heroic, but perhaps these are the mothers that are so often overlooked and undervalued.
A readjustment of the lens that values effort over outcome is required as we evaluate our children’s achievements, and perhaps a similar shift of emphasis is required in terms of our validation of mothers.
One of the most admirable mothers I know is my sister Eleanor. She is a single mother of two boys with autism. Although the likelihood of Eleanor clapping proudly as her children receive prizes at a school awards night is slim, in my book if there were an award ceremony for mothers, she would be a top nominee.
This year of all years, when the importance of ‘things’ has had to take a back seat to the pandemic, and the short supply of experiences, has made us all value them a little bit more. It might be an idea that, along with the customary Mother’s Day present of flowers or a house plant, we say a meaningful thank you to our mothers. Not for the things that were provided for us, but for the experiences and value system they have taught us.
- Dr Colman Noctor is a child psychotherapist
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