Sex File: How can I make sex pleasurable again?  

Picture: iStock 

Q. My husband and I have been married for eight years and we have recently started trying for a baby. However, I am finding sex without a condom to be painful. What's your advice on how to make it more pleasurable?

A. You are not the only person who finds a difference between sex with a condom, and sex without one. For it to actually cause you pain is something else. If it is so sore that it is stopping you having sex, you should see your GP. If what you are feeling might be better described as sensitivity, or irritation, then there are a number of different, yet interrelated, explanations. Although sex should never "hurt", in certain circumstances using condoms can make sex more comfortable. Most condoms are coated with either a water-based or a silicone lubricant, and couples often use additional lubricant too.

This compensates for the possibility of the condom being dry, but it can also mask an absence of lubrication in a woman who may not yet be aroused enough for sex. Although condoms are ultra-thin these days, and shouldn't really decrease sensitivity, they can also help to slow things down for men. This is particularly true if a man uses "delay" condoms, which contain benzocaine to decrease sensation. If your husband feels more aroused by the sensation of sex without a condom, he may be finding it harder to hold on. If, as a result, there has not been enough foreplay, it would explain why sex feels more uncomfortable for you.

Getting your husband to slow down and spend more time on foreplay will help, but a good lubricant will probably help more. 

You may have stopped using lubricant - some people are worried that it will impede conception, but a 2012 study by Anne Steiner, at the Department of Obstetrics and Gynaecology at University of North Carolina, found no evidence to support this. Steiner monitored 296 women, aged 30 to 44 years, with no history of infertility who had been trying to conceive for less than three months and found no difference in the conception rate for women who used over-the-counter lubricants and those that didn't.

If you remain worried about lubricant, choose a product that has been designed to aid conception. Pre Seed (€24) and Conceive Plus (€20) are available 'over the counter' and, according to a study, can aid sperm mobility. 

It's important to try to relax. Having a baby is a massive step and as soon as you make the decision to start trying, concerns can arise. Whether you start worrying about not being able to get pregnant, or about getting pregnant and something going wrong, it is normal to feel nervous about it. 

Take your time, don't put yourselves under too much pressure and make sure that you are fully aroused every time. Why not also try new positions - spoons, for example, which might be more comfortable. Finally, try to keep up the romance. Once sex becomes about making a baby, rather than pleasure and connection, it's easy to get carried away focusing on fertility windows. It can then become a chore. Hopefully, with the right lubrication and a little less rush, sex will become something you look forward to again.

• Send your queries to [e-mail]