Sex File: I want to try new positions in bed 

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Q. I can only have an orgasm in one position: spoons. I think I might have programmed my body that way. Is there a way of retraining myself to enjoy other positions? My husband doesn't mind, but I find it boring doing the same thing every time.

A. When it comes to orgasm, it is not uncommon for women to do the same thing, in the same way, simply because it is the only way they know that works - and it is often something that starts with the position in which they masturbate.

The trouble is that they then find that the pleasurable sensations they are proficient at inducing themselves bear no resemblance to the sensations they experience when they have intercourse. Unless they have the confidence to say something, their equally inexperienced partners remain blissfully unaware of the fact that most women require clitoral stimulation if they are to have any hope of achieving orgasm.

Many young women spend years worrying that there is something wrong with them, but instead of talking about how they feel with their partners, they bottle things up and, like you, settle for less in their sexual relationships.

You can change this situation. But the first thing you need to do is to start to masturbate in different ways, rather than just choosing the way that brings you to orgasm most easily. If you always lie on your side with your legs together, for example, try lying on your back with your legs apart. It may take longer to achieve orgasm this way, but if you relax and go with it you will experience a much longer build-up to a rolling climax.

Most women stimulate the clitoris because it is the quickest way to achieve orgasm, but this limits the sensory possibilities enormously. Explore the whole vulva and try using a small vibrator at the same time so that you can experience simultaneous internal and external stimulation.

As you acclimatise to new sensations you will eventually become more confident in your body's ability to respond in different ways.

Once you have achieved solo orgasm in different positions, you can put what you have learnt into practice with your partner.

Show him how you touch yourself and then explore positions where you can control clitoral stimulation.

If you go on top and lean, or lie, forward, you are in charge. Missionary is also good if he positions himself slightly further forward so that he stimulates your pubic bone. Your hit rate might not be 100% immediately, but that's not important. Sex is about the journey, not the destination.

This is definitely something that you need to talk through with your partner. If he has been limiting himself to one position for your benefit, he will be delighted to be more adventurous, but if it's also his go-to position, it might be more complex.

As sex positions go, spoons has a lot going for it. When, for example, it is cold and dark outside, and your partner snuggles up in bed behind you, spoons is a luxuriously slow and sensuous way to start the day. It is low-impact, comfortable and provides whole body skin-to-skin contact. From a purely functional perspective, spoons obviously works for both of you, but from an emotional, relational and psychological perspective, it is not just boring, it is hugely compromised.

If you are anxious about your capacity to achieve orgasm, having your back to your partner makes it easier for you to focus on the sensations that you are experiencing. There is no pressure to perform and you can self-pleasure without your partner noticing. However, spoons also means that your partner doesn't actually have to "see" you during sex.

Limiting yourselves to a position that restricts eye contact, kissing and communication risks depersonalising your sexual experience, and that is not something that either of you should settle for.

Changing deeply ingrained sexual behaviours is not easy, but if you are both willing to talk, to try, to fail, and to try again, you will end up having a much more fulfilling sex life and a much stronger, more intimate sexual connection.

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