Sex File: She wants scheduled sex every Saturday morning

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Q. My wife and I decided to timetable sex for Saturday mornings. It worked at first, but now I find it a turn-off thinking that we might be having sex for the sake of it - maintenance sex. I'd rather have sex less often and know that when it happens it's going to feel exciting. 

A. Prescriptive scheduling may not be the best way to go about it, because doing the same thing, at the same time, tends to get boring, however you and your wife are right about creating a dedicated space for sex in your lives. In an ideal world all couples would want sex at the same time, and commitments, children and getting the dinner on the table would stand aside to facilitate spontaneous lovemaking.

In the real world it doesn't work like that. If you don't prioritise sex, it can get lost down the back of the metaphorical sofa.

The idea of spontaneous passionate sex is lovely, but there is no escaping the fact that after 20 years of marriage, you've already had masses of sex with each other, and decreased novelty lessens the incentive. 

There is a saying, "Put a penny in the pot every time you have sex before you get married and take one out every time you have sex after the wedding, and you'll have change to spare when you die". It is probably not too far from the truth.

It doesn't help that there is a confusing lack of consensus on what a reasonable level of sexual frequency should be. It's not just magazines that tell us that we should be at it every night. Even heavyweight publications promote frequencies that seem unattainable. 

In her book The Normal Bar (2013) Pepper Schwartz, a professor of sociology at the University of Washington, suggests that the magic frequency for happy couples is three or four times a week. By comparison, the most recent National Survey of Sexual Attitudes and Lifestyles (Natsal) study (2013) found that people aged 16 to 44 in Britain have sex about three times a month, and emerging research around the impact of Covid-19 suggests that the situation is worse now. Too much time together and not enough privacy, not to mention the stress of economic meltdown, loss of jobs, loss of purpose and anxiety, may be to blame for a 44% decline in the quality and frequency of our sexual relationships, according to recent research by Justin Lehmiller at the Kinsey Institute.

I think you and your wife are pretty accurate in aiming for some form of sexual interaction once a week, though. In 2015 Amy Muise, a psychologist at the University of Toronto, lowered the "normal" bar. She looked at data on the sexual frequency patterns of more than  30,600 people and found that for couples who were in long-term relationships, having sex once a week was not only associated with enhanced wellbeing, but also with greater relationship satisfaction. Sexual frequencies of more than once a week offered no additional boost to happiness. As scheduling in sex is already adding an extra routine to your week, why not mix up the day or time, so that some weeks you stick to Saturday morning, and some weeks you set aside a Thursday evening.

While it is great that you've used so-called maintenance sex to re-establish sex as part of your regular routine, moving forwards, varying your schedule is more likely to keep your sex life exciting and fresh. On top of your current weekly schedule, set aside some time together where the goal is intimacy rather than sex. Turn off your phones, put away your laptops, cook a nice meal - it may lead to sex, or it may just help you to reconnect.

From time to time, you and your wife should get physical, but not necessarily have sex with each other. Every now and again make "touch" rather than orgasm your goal. You'll find that one often leads to the other anyway, but shifting your focus and giving yourselves permission to be playful will keep it light.

It's also worth thinking about increasing duration rather than frequency. Research has shown that there is a gap between "real" and "ideal" durations for foreplay and intercourse. One study found that the average length of a sexual encounter, including foreplay and intercourse, was 18 minutes for women and 20 minutes for men. However, the ideal length of time for foreplay and intercourse was 33 minutes for women and 36 minutes for men. Fewer and longer sex sessions, interspersed with more opportunities for kissing, hugging and close contact, will take the pressure off you both, while it should also continue to strengthen your sexual connection.

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