Sex File: My wife's racy past is haunting me

Her friend let slip about a colourful period in their early 20s and I can't get past it

The bottom line is you've been married for 15 years and you trust your wife, so why would you allow a supposed friend relaying 20-year-old gossip about events she did not witness in person to influence that? Picture: iStock 

A friend of my wife recently let slip about a colourful period in their early 20s. My wife has always been open with me and I knew her sexual history was more extensive than mine, but I hadn't realised it was so raunchy. We're in our mid-40s, have been married for 15 years and I trust her, but I can't get past it. Any advice?

Raunchy is a bit of a stretch. In your longer letter, you mention she had one-night stands and a fling with someone in the office. In all honesty, that sounds like fairly bog-standard sexual experimentation for a woman in her 20s. 

I don't know what your wife's friend was hoping to achieve by disclosing this information to you. Memory is never 100% reliable and people have a tendency to exaggerate narratives of youthful misadventure. Whatever. It was a strange thing for her to do and it has obviously seeded unhelpful anxieties in your head.

The bottom line is you've been married for 15 years and you trust your wife, so why would you allow a supposed friend relaying 20-year-old gossip about events she did not witness in person to influence that? 

The deeper issue is that you feel she has hidden aspects of her past from you, but when it comes to past sexual experience I'm not sure any of us has a right to expect complete disclosure. 

Your wife has always been open with you about the fact that she had a colourful past, but the details of her sexual history are hers, not yours. In a marriage, it is incredibly important to respect each other's autonomy and there may be aspects of her sexual history that she didn't feel comfortable sharing, or that she held back to protect you.

It is difficult to judge the severity of your anxiety, but if you are really struggling and your thoughts feel intrusive, you should talk to your wife about how you are feeling. Retroactive jealousy refers to obsessive curiosity and painful thoughts regarding a partner's past relationships and sexual history. It can be related to adverse childhood experiences, low self-esteem and trust issues, and is also a feature of obsessive-compulsive disorder. 

In a healthy relationship where there is no genuine cause for concern, constant suspicion can be very damaging, so if these feelings don't shift you might need additional support from your GP or a psychotherapist.

Hopefully, having a straightforward conversation with your wife will be enough to help you put things in perspective. She'll be justifiably annoyed with her friend, but she will be able to reassure you these experiences happened when she was very young. 

She had just moved to London and was probably tasting freedom for the first time. When most people look back to their youth they remember doing stuff that was crazy or risky and that, in retrospect, they regret. Taking risks is an important part of growing up. So is getting things wrong. Failure is a great teacher and we learn from our mistakes.

Clearly by the time your wife met you she had learnt casual sex wasn't enough and what she really wanted was love, trust and stability. Her past gave her clarity about what she wanted for her future — and 15 years later she obviously still feels that she made the right choice.

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