Ask Audrey: Normal People is basically a Maeve Binchy novel with mobile phones

She's been sorting out Cork people for ages like

Hello old stock. It’s about time we did something about the state of play in the Marina.

Ever since pedestrianisation, it has been attracting all sorts of pond-life from the lower orders, walking up and down with their angry looking mongrels as if they own the place.

It could be just me, but I think the whole place is starting to smell of Carling Black Label. So I think it’s time for a spot of quarantine – anyone from the northside who wants to walk on the Marina has to spend 24 hours in a special holding area in the car-park in Mahon Point.

It wouldn’t be cruel or anything, we’d do some Norry friendly things like free salad burgers and maybe show the live darts. Would that be legal, do you know?

- Reggie, Blackrock Road.

My nephew is studying civil rights law because leftie women are much better looking. I said, what’s your take on this? He said 20% of any damages awarded, you hardly think I do this for free.

I said, no, from a civil rights point of view. He said, it’s a clear violation of their human rights. I said, the Norries? He said, no, people in Mahon. #Harsh.

It’s turned very horny on our WhatsApp group Douglas Road Stunners Who Have Tried All the Sex Positions from Normal People And Not Always With Our Husbands.

Cliona_WhiteRangeRover said the show is amazing, imagine something that good coming out of Sligo. Abbi_5MillionInCash isn’t so sure and said Normal People is basically a Maeve Binchy novel with mobile phones. I don’t know what all the fuss is about – your man Connell is about as interesting as Carrigaline.

Anyway, we’ve decided to crowdfund a Cork version of Normal People, where a Douglas Road princess starts having the bangy-bangy with her gardener even though he’s only from Dillon’s Cross. Our working title is, He’s Only From Dillon’s Cross.

Would you like to be an investor?

- Jenni, Douglas Road, do you have a number for Cillian Murphy?

I wish. It’s a no from me - I have to mind my money at the moment because I’ve been sued for hate-speech by the people of Kanturk.

It’s nothing to worry about unless I have to sit next to one of them in court. #TheSmell.

Now listen up Paddy. They say a pandemic is a perfect time to try something new, so I’ve decided to get myself a bloody job. How disgusting.

Anyway, I’ve gone into executive recruitment and I have just the man to run your government, if you filthy spud-munchers ever get around to forming one. This chap’s name is Dominic – just the man if you need a slogan that will fit on a bus. I hear he’s the kind of person who won’t think twice about hopping into a car and driving the length of the country, if something needs sorting out in a hurry.

Dom, as he’s known, will be available to start immediately and he assures me of a very good reference from his former boss because let’s just say he knows where the bloody bodies are buried. Can you pass this on the powers that be in Eire?

- Lord Edmund D’Servant-Shagger, London.

I just googled him there. He’s reported to have said he doesn’t care if a few pensioners catch coronavirus and die. But he never said he was talking about his own parents!

How’re oo’ goin on? The daughter is after having twins so we’re just driving up to Cork to have a look off of them. This is total bollocks, I’m just practising what I’m going to say to the guard at the checkpoint outside Bandon.

The truth is that herself got wind of the news that you can go shopping for clothes in the bigger supermarkets above in Cork and I won’t ruin your dinner with the details, but I could do with a new pair of underpants. (I paid for the last one in punts.) The only concern is that based on a few videos doing the rounds on social media, it looks like we'd be safer above in Limerick of all places.

What is going on above in Cork that ye’re all bating the heads off of each other?

- Dan Paddy Andy, head out beyond Dunmanway until you smell a man before you see him.

My teenage nephew is so posh I actually borrow money off him.

I said, why are gangs of rich kids trying to rip the heads off each other, for the first time ever? He said, did you ever watch rugby?

So ya, hi there from Dublin 4.

Lovin’ a lot of the things I’ve been hearing about West Cork, never been there myself, can’t stand being around other Irish people, Martinique usually for les vacances, but 2020, Covid 19, staycation city babes, am I right ya?

Straight up at ya, right, where is the best place in West Cork this summer if you want to be around a cosmopolitan fashion-forward buzz, as against sheeple in Kildare jersies?

- MeMii, Ballsbridge.

My friend is so West Cork there’s a smell of cheese off her. I said, what’s the best place down there for a Fanny Face from Dublin 4. (No offence.)

She said, Schull. I said, Schull is full of Irish people. She said, with English accents, your one will feel right at home.

• Catch Ask Audrey live on Dave Mac’s Drive Thursdays and Fridays after 6pm on RedFM