Ask Audrey: My cousin became a poet because he wanted to get off with women half his age

That's Cork sorted now ...

C’mere, what’s the story with being controlled by China. The cousin do be sharing some mad stuff on Facebook there about the Chinese government hacking into our brains using 5g masts. He met a guy from the Chinese Embassy in Hillbilly’s one night after a feed of drink, and your man confirmed that his political masters had tried to take controls of our brains with spice bags, but it didn’t work. So now, they have invented this virus to make us all stay at home so they can put up 5g masts. Matt Damon is in on it too, along with Miriam O’Callaghan and your man Franc that does the weddings. It do sound a bit far-fetched to me, but I don’t want to be an eejit either, do you know that kind of a way? So is my cousin right or what like? Dowcha Donie, Blackpool.

Your cousin sounds like my Uncle Cornelius - we call him Con Spiracy. I rang him there and said, do you trust China? He said, who’s this? I said, your niece Audrey. He said, tell me something only Audrey would know. I said, a lot of Italian men are circumcised. He said, hi girl, how can I help you? (He’s been having trouble with the KGB. Again.)

Hello old stock. I’m just back from a fortnight in Ibiza with Hoggy, it’s amazing the things you can do in life when you have a few quid. Anyway, I went for a stroll down to Blackrock village last night and I couldn’t help noticing that the place is gone as common as a Sunday afternoon in Crosshaven. I stopped this one guy in a Glen Rovers shirt and said, sorry I think you wandered across the border there old stock, 2 kilometres and all that. He nearly ate me without salt, shouting ‘5k now you langer’. Life is hardly worth living if the Norries can just drive down here in their Hyundais. So, I have an offer for them. Dear norries you can can travel 10 km in any direction, as long as it isn’t south. Can you pass that on? Reggie, Blackrock.

I rang the northside there and said, c’mere, what do think of Reggie’s offer? The guy said, make it 15k and you have a deal. I said, is that Blarney? He said, no girl, it’s the truth. #BoomBoom

It’s the End of Days on our WhatsApp group, Blackrock Road Moms With Sons In Pres or Christians. Fiona_FeePayingAlltheWay is back on the Xanax after hearing they’ve cancelled the Leaving Cert. She said that after spending a fortune sending her Harry to school, there is a chance now he’ll end up in CIT. I said, we’d obviously have to ask you to leave the group in that case and she said I know, sure I’d do the same myself. Cliona_NothingAgainstTeachers said there is no point in trying to bribe the teachers for higher marks, because the pricks have loads of money, (her words not mine in case my Frederick's maths teacher is reading, hope all is good with you Mr Hunky Pants, hugs and kisses. ) So, long story short, my Fred is no longer getting an edge over the lower orders - where do I apply for a refund on his school fees? Monica, Blackrock Road.

My nephew is so posh we call him Shane Ross. I said, what did going to a fee-paying school give you? He said, a sense of entitlement and toddal American accent dude.

Well hello there from beautiful Kinsale, the free love capital of Europe. We’re so looking forward to June 8th and greeting visitors down from Cork, because there’s only so many times you can have it off with your near neighbours before it becomes awkward when you see them in SuperValu. I didn’t know where to look when I bumped into a certain Mr XXX in the chilled meats aisle last night – it didn’t help when he started to tell me what he likes to do with his sausage. (As if I didn’t know, the silly man.) Anyway, where was I? Oh yes. Madam Silk (not her real name) mentioned a Zorgy, which is an orgy on Zoom. Would you recommend these? Lady in the Mask, Kinsale.

My friend is a complete deviant, she’s from Dungarvan. #Explanation. I said, do ye have Zorgies? She said, welcome to my Friday night. I said, what’s an online orgy like in West Waterford? She said, it’s not quite the same. I said, what’s missing? She said, the smell of Lynx Africa. #Sex-ay.

Now listen up Paddy. I’ve been asked by Her Majesty’s Government to explain what their new slogan, Stay Alert actually means. I asked Boris himself if he could explain it, and he said, ‘piffle waffle Dunkirk’ before heading off to look for a new girlfriend. I’ve seen him make worse speeches, but unfortunately I’m none the wiser. Say what you will about you filthy spud-munchers, but the Irish have always had a way with words. So, could you find someone to help? Lord Edmund D’Servant-Shagger, London.

My cousin became a poet because he wanted to get off with women half his age. I said, could you write a poem on this? He said, Stay Alert, Stay Alert, Boris is off out, chasing skirt, making speeches, all a rant, I’m a poet, give me a grant. #Catchy.