Sex File: 'My wife says she has lost her libido and doesn't want to have sex'

My wife says she has lost her libido and doesn't want to have sex. And yet sometimes in the early hours, when she imagines that I am asleep, I am not infrequently aware of her having an orgasm without me. I am delighted that she is still enjoying sex in her own way, but feel hurt that she doesn't want to share with me.

If you want this marriage to survive, you need to stop pretending to be asleep and start talking to your wife. Sexual frequency declines in all long-term relationships, but when couples stop having sex with each other, they increase the likelihood that one or both partners will have sex with someone else.

There is no polite way to let your wife know that you have been fake sleeping while she has been flying solo, so you are just going to have to get the words out. She will probably be embarrassed, but saying nothing is getting you nowhere.

Once the genie is out of the bottle, you might find that there is a simple explanation. You don't say how old your wife is, but if she is menopausal, her lack of interest in sex could be due to declining levels of the sex hormones oestrogen and progesterone, which leads to lower libido in most women.

It may be the case that penetrative sex has become uncomfortable for your wife. If so, there are lots of better options than a life of celibacy. Pelvic floor exercises and lubricant can really help, as can Estring, a small doughnut-shaped ring that is inserted vaginally and delivers a small but steady stream of oestrogen.

Although lots of women expect their libido to fall off a cliff when they hit 50, hormonal changes at menopause don't necessarily decrease sex drive. One piece of research found that testosterone levels decline only minimally through the transition. This, in turn, can create an imbalance where levels of testosterone are relatively higher than levels of oestrogen and progesterone. This can lead to an increase in female libido, but a woman who is feeling tired or experiencing hot flushes might not feel that she has the energy for sex. For your wife, masturbation may be a way of alleviating tension and getting some sleep as quickly as possible.

There is also a chance that your wife isn't even conscious of what is happening. Spontaneous nocturnal orgasm is rare, but it does happen, particularly when a woman has no other sexual outlet. In 2018 the Journal of Clinical Sleep Medicine published a paper that described the case of a woman who began experiencing sleep orgasms in her 30s, which continued into her late 50s. If your wife sleeps on her front she may also be unintentionally increasing her arousal levels. A study at Shue Yan University in Hong Kong investigated the effect of sleep position on dream experiences. It found that sleeping in a prone position increased the number of sex dreams people had.

While you need to remain open to the possibility that your wife is not doing this consciously, the truth is almost certainly more mundane. Having announced that she has lost her libido, for some reason your wife feels she doesn't want to wake you up when the urge takes her. This is a lost opportunity, though. As we get older, sexual desire may become less intense, but it remains responsive, so if your wife allowed you to caress her, she might feel her sexual arousal building.

When you talk to her, you need to be more honest about the importance of sex to you, and to the marriage. Ask her to be open to the possibility of sex and the next time you realise that she is sexually aroused, instead of just lying there, reach over and offer to help out. Strike while her iron is hot, as it were - the experience will almost certainly end up satisfying both of you.

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