Ask Audrey: 'I haven’t bribed a Guard since the New Twopothouse Drug Cartel incident'
How’re oo’ goin’ on? Herself is after falling in with a pack of bread fanatics from Schull on Zoom. They didn’t have any flour there for a fortnight, but if there’s one thing we’re good at it in West Cork, it’s getting our hands on large quantities of white powder. So, long story short, we now have 43 loaves of sourdough in the back hall. Could you sell them above in Cork? Dan Paddy Andy, Dunmanway.
My friend is an artisan baker because he doesn’t actually need an income. I said, I’m fascinated by all these people into sourdough, are they baking it for their friends? She said, no way. I said, why? She said, they don’t have any. #Harsh
There’s war on our WhatsApp group, Ballincollig Babes Who Don’t Look This Good By Accident. Leoni_WhiteRangeRover was delighted that golf and tennis are going to be allowed shortly, she said it’s great the southsiders are finally getting a break, rather than focusing on lower order pastimes like road bowling and having loads of children.
But the tone turned v negative when Cliona_IndoorSwimmingPool mentioned that parks in Dublin are going to be reserved for over 70s between 1:30 and 3:30 pm. Look, I know they want to get back home to watch Maura and Daithi, but that’s my prime time for running before I rush home to stage fake Instagram posts of my kids making pizza from scratch. The last thing I need is a pack of old wrinklies blocking my way around the Regional Park. Do you know if they are planning to allow them to hog the parks around Cork? Bella, Ballincollig.
My mother is the founder member of Active and Over 80. I said, what do you think of getting the park to your self at 1:30 pm. She said, absolute disgrace. I said, why? She said, why would I want to be getting up at that time? #Lazy
Hello, I’m a member of Compassionate Sundays Well Oligarchs Who Know What’s Good for You. (Conditions of Entry: Over 10 million in cash, Shanakiel need not apply.) I was working on our latest TedTalk there - it’s called Shag Off It’s My Money – when it came to me.
The only way to implement social distancing and get the economy back on track is to allow the Norries into the city centre on Monday, Wednesday and Friday, and then close the bridges and allow southsiders the other four days. (Keep the Norries out over the weekend and you save a fortune on policing. Inspired, n’est-ce pas?) Sunday’s Well people will be allowed in for all seven days because we’re loaded. Do you think it’s a runner? Paul ‘Did I mention I’m from Sunday’s Well’, Sundays Well.
My doctor friend is an expert in infectious diseases, the things he could tell you about me in college. I said, what do think of keeping the Norries out of town for 4 days? He said, don’t be ridiculous. I said, what would you do? He said, keep them out for 7 days. #DouglasDoctorHumour
Hello old stock. Myself and Hoggy were well past the half way mark on a bottle of Captain Morgan on Monday when he said ‘No jumped up Fine Gael Dublin doctor is going to tell me I can’t break into a leading Cork club for a game of golf.’ Clubs into the back of the Jag, down the Blackrock Road, checkpoint, gorgeous Bangarda, you’d imagine there’d be more money in modelling. L
ong story short, I’m going to be charged with drunk-driving, breaking the lockdown and making lewd comments to a member of the force about hand-cuffs. (Hoggy thought they were hilarious.) This could get me kicked out of the golf club, the women have taken over completely up there, you can’t open your mouth. I haven’t tried to bribe a Guard since the incident with the New Twopothouse Drug Cartel. Where would I even start? Reggie, Blackrock
Sorry, I’ve more questions than answers for you on this one Reggie. The main one is something that has bothered me since I was three – where is Twopothouse? And how old is it?
Hello dear. I’m writing to you on behalf of Model Farm Road Residents Who Think They Might Be Alcoholics. We have a Zoom meeting every afternoon to help each other cope with The Fear. (We can’t just stand at our front gates and chat like they probably do in Wilton, no semi-d here.) I didn’t really drink before the lockdown, I felt it was a bit common, but now find myself bringing two empty bottles (Merlot, top shelf) to the glass bin every morning.
No matter how carefully I drop them in they make an awful racket and I can just imagine the people living behind me thinking Monica is after turning into a ferocious piss-head. So my question is this – is there a little bottle blanket I can buy online to cushion the fall? Monica, Model Farm Road.
I rang the Posh Cousin there and told her your problem. She said, God I feel sorry for the poor woman. I said, because of her addiction? She said, no, people living close to the back of her house, there’s some terrible deprivation on the Model Farm Road. #MoreDouglasHumour
