Ask Audrey: 'Could you help smuggle a stylist into my gaff?'

We’ve been married for 27 years and if I had to describe our sex life, I’d say ‘desperately disappointing unless you have a bottle of Merlot in you’, a bit like Fermoy that way.
Ask Audrey: 'Could you help smuggle a stylist into my gaff?'

Sorting out Cork people for ages .....

Q: Things are getting vicious on our WhatsApp group, Douglas Road Stunners Who Wax Before Going for Drinks on Zoom Because You Never Know. Before our party started last night, Nadia_LookAtTheStateOfMe was on with ‘No make-up girls, not able’ and didn’t the bitch turn up in a €600 Helmut Lang dress looking like Mila Kunis.

Kiera_This?Penneys called her out so Nadia asked her where she got her new boobs, and the country in lockdown. Gullible ejit here (it was my nickname in Regina Mundi) wore a €50 from Zara #ThePoverty, so now there is talk of an EGM to remove me from the group. We have another Zoom party tomorrow night — could you help smuggle a stylist into my gaff, money no object.

-Jenni, Douglas Road.

A: My friend is the top stylist in Bandon, which isn’t saying much. I said, are you allowed to call to people’s houses? She said, beauticians are actually classed as an essential service in Dunmanway. I said why? She said, have you SEEN the women in Dunmanway. #Harsh.

Q: I’m one of the most respected women in Mallow, measured by the number of times the locals look at my husband Tadhg and say, who’d begrudge him a few bank accounts in the Cayman Islands after all he’s done for the town?

We’ve been married for 27 years and if I had to describe our sex life, I’d say ‘desperately disappointing unless you have a bottle of Merlot in you’, a bit like Fermoy that way.

This all changed Good Friday when he started doing this thing to my foot that made me moan like the woman in Killarney who was told she had to have a bath. So, where did he learn this, you might ask. Am I right in thinking he’s after finding himself a fancy woman?

— Kathleen, Mallow.

A: It’s awkward when you introduce something new in the bedroom. Like the time My Conor surprised me by coming home early from a golf trip and I was forced to introduce him to this guy I went out with in college. #RingAheadTheNextTimeYouBrowl

Q: What’s the story, man? I’m living over here in the metropolis that is London, when I’m after a few bevs I like to get myself comfortable in a quiet room, take out my phone and look at videos of planes landing at Cork Airport, the homesickness do be that bad.

So you can imagine what it’s like being over here being ruled by the Tories and not sure when I can go home and see me mam. The other night I went on the balcony in the flat and started singing ‘After All’ by the Frank and Walters, but this cop told me to shut up, and get this, he’s from Dublin, the dirty turncoat. So like, is he infringing on my ethnicity like, as a Cork person?

— Tall Paul, Cricklewood and Carrignavar.

A: My ex was a practicing solicitor until he got caught telling the truth. I said, what would you say to a Carrignavar guy singing on the balcony of his flat in London? He said, that we call it the verandah of the apartment in Monkstown. #NotionsBaby

Q: Nightmare on the Blackrock Road II. You hear a lot of people talking about their vivid dreams during lockdown, wait until you hear this. I have this recurring dream where I’m living in Frankfield, married to a guy who was in the poorer half of his class in Coláiste Chríost Rí. (Imagine.)

When I told my counsellor, she said was it the nicer part of Frankfield or the bit down by Grange. I said, don’t be shagging ridiculous, I wouldn’t hire a GARDENER from the nicer bit of Frankfield, let alone live there. So, what do you think this dream means?

— Monica, Blackrock Road

A: My uncle has a degree in Dreams Analysis, he gets very odd if you ask to see a photo of his graduation. I said, how are you finding business during the lockdown? He said, ads on Facebook aimed at gullible eejits mainly, there’s no point in changing a winning formula.

Q: Hey dude, it’s amazing the respect I have for women when you consider that my old man played prop forward for Cork Con back in the day. I got together for bevs with some old school buds the other night on Zoom, Ballintemple blue bloods all the way — Kilian with One L did the math and reckoned we’re talking 40 mill net worth between the six of us ON ONE CALL.

It was a lark until Bryan with a Y said he could get a stripper to join us on the call — the rest of the lads were ya, like whatever, she needs to make money too. It was left to me to say no way dudes, I’m totally out ya, respect for the babes and that. I want to put that out there in case the cool Italian girl in my Samba drumming class is reading this, been fantasising about you babes.

- Ed, Ballintemple

A: I’m outraged. Please don’t use my essential counselling service to pass dirty messages to Italians. I need to keep it clear in case My Conor goes out for a jog and I want to tell Paulo or Marco that I’m ready for sexy time on WhatsApp.

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