Ask Audrey: I’m so ahead of the curve dude, I’m already worried about getting Covid-20

Ask Audrey has been sorting out Cork people for ages...

So, like, it’s angry now on our WhatsApp group, Over-Achieving Dublin 4 Women Who Couldn’t Give a Shit About You or Your Bogman County. Carina_IdentifiesAsANewYorker said it’s not her fault she’s the Vice President of a social media giant and can afford a Bond villain mansion in Crookhaven she’s not allowed to visit because of some bat. (Not herself, an actual bat, in like China.)

Leoni_BorderlineAristocrat said, soz bitches, it’s not like we’re going to touch one of the filthy locals in West Cork. I’m like, I can have 4 people in my limited edition Range Rover practising social distancing, it’s that big.

So, like, what’s the best way to convince a bogger guard at a checkpoint that I’m from West Cork?

- Penelop, Dublin 4, name not mis-spelled, I dropped the e.

More than once I’d say. #SirHenrys I rang my Posh Cousin and said, how would you persuade someone you’re from West Cork. She said, start every sentence with ‘I suppose’ and throw people off-guard by pretending your IQ is 30 points lower than it actually is. I said, is it possible to have a negative IQ? #PoshDubs

Namaste. That’s Sanskrit for I’m a fashion-forward rich guy who went to Ashton. (I’m so ahead of the curve dude, I’m already worried about getting Covid-20.)

I want to share my funky creative side with people, but I’m worried the lower orders are sick of watching rich people showing them how to make sourdough from scratch.

So, I was thinking of doing live online yoga from my old man’s mansion, where I give shout-outs to Norries. Is this a todally amazing idea or what?

- Ed, Ballintemple

My friend is a go-to expert on the Norries. (She has a PhD on the majorettes.) I said, what would be a typical northsider response to yoga shout-outs from some guy in Ballintemple. She said, unrepeatable.

C’mere, I’m a Cork guy living up in Dublin all the time because I must have committed some awful crime in a past life. So like, two things. First of all, how come they keep showing videos of Dublin city centre being empty on the news?

Could RTE not throw us a bone and show the odd shot of Pana? Would that be too much to ask like? Secondly, I can’t go outside my door here in the suburbs without being run over by a sweaty Dub jogger who learned social etiquette from the Waffen SS.

So like, can you get the message out there – lads, ye’ve seen the videos, the centre of town is empty, why don’t ye just jog in there and leave the rest of us alone?

- Tall Paul, Drumcondra and Turners Cross, tell my Mam Happy Easter.

No can do - I’m more than 2km from Turner’s Cross, thank God. This Italian Adonis jogged past my front gate yesterday, so I legged it out and started jogging two metres behind him. He slowed down around Douglas Road and said, I’m getting stiff. I said, it’s not the best chat-up line I’ve ever heard, but it will do.

I’ll have you know that I’m from one of the most respectable families in Mallow, measured by the number of people who see me sweeping through the town in a Jaguar and say, we wouldn’t expect anything less from Kathleen.

I take great pride in the work I do for the less well-off – only last year, Cork County Council hired me to make a video showing people in Buttevant how to tie their laces.

But there is very outlet for that kind of work thanks to Covid-19, and I’m going plain do-lally with the boredom. Then it occurred to me – Mallow is going to be like a magnet for people this week-end, with tourist attractions like a Circle K with a Supermacs and the old sugar factory. So, I’m to make a video telling people to stay at home. Will you share it?

- Kathleen, Mallow.

My nephew is in the Guards, very handy if you have a few penalty points that need to disappear. I said, are ye expecting a traffic surge around Mallow this weekend? He said yes, but don’t worry, we won’t let anyone escape.

How’re oo’ goin on, old stock? It’s Reggie here, I’m down in one of my West Cork boltholes with Hoggy. I won’t tell you which bolthole, because the last thing I need now is the wife Marjorie rocking up at the door and screaming ‘You said you were going shopping’ in front of some nosey bog-munchers.

Anyway, there’s no shortage of high-net worth Dublin types around the village in 400 euro sailing shoes, and think they are getting a raw deal from scroungers and other types who voted for Sinn Féin.

It’s not their fault that they live in a rotten county and have to drive over 300 km to get to Schull. I’m going to start a campaign for them

- #WestCorkLovesRichDubs. Are you in? Reggie, Blackrock and West Cork.

I rang a random number in Schull there and said, how do you feel about posh rich types invading West Cork for the weekend? The person at the other end said, I rather suspect you might be asking the wrong person old bean, try another number and see if you can get one of the Paddys. #RuleBritannia