It’s all go on our WhatsApp group, Douglas Road Stunners Telling Everyone They Had To Cancel Their 25 Grand Ski Trip. Cliona_BackOnTheMarket is planning to lick anyone with coronavirus because she’s dying to lose two stone before her cousin’s wedding. Leoni_AmazingBoneStructure says she’d gladly swap her cocaine dealer for someone who could get her a box of limited edition Miu Miu face masks, money no object. As for me, I have two boxes of hand-sanitiser left over from when I was canvassing around Turners Cross for my cousin during the election. I don’t want to panic people, but if you don’t buy this off me for 25 euro a bottle, you’ll probably die and so will your family. Could you spread the word?
—Steff, Douglas Road
My nephew is a pharmacist in Kinsale, half his shop is given over to bottles of lube. I said, what’s the worst case scenario for coronavirus? He said, they’ll find a cure before I sell enough face masks to buy a house in Kinsale. I said, or two in Bandon. He said, exactly.
Hey dude, I’m a founder member of Ballintemple Buddhists in Love with Bernie Sanders, we todally want to see his brand of socialism in the United States, but not over here, because I have a trust fund worth more than Paul Pogba. Myself and Bryan with a Y were watching these two Polish guys building a new yurt in the back garden of his old man’s place when a 202 bus passed and Bryan with a Y put his finger on it — that bus has no place driving through Blackrock village. It runs between Mahon and Hollyhill, it’s basically a shuttle for guys called Wayne who want to visit their love-children. So, todal big idea time — could we just build a tunnel from Mahon to Hollyhill and cut down on diesel fumes on the B Rock Road as we call it?
That’s the worst idea I’ve heard since Prince Andrew said, ‘good news Mummy, I’m doing an interview with the BBC’. I rang the Posh Cousin there and said, how will the Blackrock Road people react to this tunnel? She said, they’ll probably feel it was beneath them.
Ciao. This is not a good time to be a stud muffin from Italy. (I come out in a very bad rash if I have less than seven girlfriends at any one time.) With all the news about coronavirus in Italy, no girl will touch me, not even the ones from Macroom. This is hugely unfair, as I have not been home for three years, in case I bump into one of my four wives. (A lot of anger.) I have decided to change my accent and pretend that I am from Kerry, the lads there seem to get a lot of action. How can I make this work?
— Marco, Napoli and St Lukes
My friend is a relationships expert, she’s in three of them at the moment. I said, if this guy has less than seven girlfriends, he comes out in a rash. She said, HE comes out in a rash? #Crawling
C’mere, what’s the story with allowing train-loads of Dublin people travel down to Cork every day? Sorry now like, but at the time of writing anyway, they do have the coronavirus and we don’t. Like, if it was the other way around, you can be sure they’d a be flying a giant flag off of Liberty Hall saying ‘Get Out Ye Langers’, and turning people away at the ticket gate in Heuston. So like, I don’t want to stir up any panic or bad feeling, but is there any chance we could block trains with slash hooks and chant ‘Get back to where ye came from, ye filthy Dubs!!’? — Dowcha Donie, Blackpool, I’d be on for blocking trains from Midleton as well, shower of East Cork soap dodgers, up da Glen!!
Jesus. Any chance you could self-isolate? My cousin moved up to the capital recently because she got fed up with having disposable income. I rang her there and said, is there a danger you’d catch something off people in Dublin? She said, yiz would want to watch yizzers accents, wha? #Tragic
Hey, it’s Ken here from Douglas Road Doctors with American Accents. I’m so rich, I’m not even sure when I get paid — and there’s nothing you can do about that. I’ve decided to stop dating women from the lower orders for a while, because on Sundays they want me to take them and their ‘Mam’ for ‘a spin’ to some place called Redbarn. (It’s a beach for people who buy their shoes in the supermarket.) Anyway, I have my eye on this woman in my yoga class, but want to know her background before I make a move, because Sundays in Redbarn are a no no for Doctor Ken. Can you tell if someone is part of the one per cent in Cork, just by looking at them?
— Dr Ken, Douglas Road.
I rang the Posh Cousin there and said, how would you identify a member of the one per cent? She said, they have a little mark right at their fingertips. I said, a birthmark? She said no, it’s a little guy called Mark ,he’s available 24/7 to help with all their one per cent needs. #DifferentWorld