Ask Audrey: I wouldn't mind facing a grilling by David McCullagh

Audrey's been sorting out Cork people for ages

So, like, I’m the leading social media influencer in the Western Europe measured by the number of times journalists say nice things to my face but we all know they hate my guts because I’m totes wrecking their industry. #InfluencingBitches #ServesYouRightForDoingMediaStudies #2500Followers #TotesNobody.Anyway, the sheeple that follow me are fierce keen to get my views on the election so I tuned into the leaders debate on Tuesday and there was only one winner – David McCullagh. I wouldn’t mind facing a grilling by him, #HubbaHubba #SilverFox #SexOnLegs #RemindYouofFrTedaBit.

So like, can you arrange for him to interview me on Prime Time, I have 400 thousand followers like? — @YouSoWishLike, Turner’s Cross and Monte Carlo

I was only talking about this to my friend Straight Talking Sonya the other day. I said, do you have a thing for older men? She said, ya, Viagra, once they get past the age of 45 you’re basically trying to have it off with a sponge. #Harsh.

Hello from the badlands of online dating. I went out with a few inter-county GAA stars that I met through this app called Pointy Brown Shoes and ended up totally allerge to the way they start every sentence with “Look, I suppose ..”.

Then I started using this app for nerds called I Have Numbers on My Underpants and now I’m dating a guy, very nice, but he insists on me reciting tongue twisters when we’re doing the biz.

I messaged him and said, look Maurice (that’s his name - I know) I find it very hard to climax while saying Mrs Puggy Wuggy Has a Square Cut Punt. He never replied, total ghosting, do you think I should get back to him and say I’m on for tongue twisters after all? — Lorna, Ovens.

It isn’t that I think you can do better than this Maurice – it’s more that I can’t imagine you doing any worse. (Look at me all proper Agony Aunt - I go girl.) My ex liked listening to limericks during sex, so I wrote him the following: ‘Here’s my main problem with you, the whole thing is done by line two.’ #Premature

It’s non-stop here on our WhatsApp group, Douglas Road Babes Who Never Thought They’d Find Themselves Voting for Sinn Fein. Laura_FormerHockeyInternational said she is definitely thinking of voting for them because she doesn’t want to appear off-trend. Fiona_CapeTownForValentines said, sorry now, but it’s not like you’re buying a new hand-bag.

As for me, my poor dead Dad (RCYC, Douglas Golf Club) will haunt me from the grave if I vote for the Shinners, but on the other hand, I really like what Donnchadh Ó Laoghaire has done with his hair. (He’s running in Cork South Central, I’d say you’ve noticed, smo-king.)

So like, do you think I should give him my number one?— Dee, Douglas Road.

I went back to Straight Talking Sonya on this one. She said, sorry now, that’s a non-runner. I said why? She said, because if we only voted for good-looking politicians, we’d end up with five TDs in the Dail. #Harsh #HowBadThough

It’s Hopper yo, from Dundalk so I am, hippity rapper barely out of me pram, working down in Cork, here a wet week, feeling so bleak, ease the pain, head for Crane Lane, bird called Grace, back to her place, in Sundays Well, it’s well for some, she says ‘you’re dead common’, keep getting the come on, ‘Hopper babes, Hopper babes’, she can’t get enough, turned on and on because Dundalk is so rough, rebelling against her Dad, so sad, wants to see me this weekend, resistance is weakened, her house worth 2 mill, gives me a thrill, so now for me question, what I’d like to know, is it humiliation for Hopper to say yes, yo?— Hippity Hopper, Dundalk and Ballincollig.

What the actual F? I checked with my Posh Cousin about this. She said this is a thing now, there’s a WhatsApp group called Sunday’s Well Princesses Who Reckon Norries Aren’t Common Enough. I said, so they keep looking for sex with people from rougher and rougher towns? She said, exactly.

I said, where will all this end? She said, Limerick.

Hi, we’re a couple in our seventies who live in the Magazine Road area of Cork. We read a story in the paper this week about students having sex up against doors in the area around UCC.

This saddened us a great deal indeed, because it seems that the authorities are trying to put a stop to it. You see, my wife and I had been going through a sexual dry patch that dated back to my mother’s funeral in 2004.

This came to an end recently when we heard two young people hard it up against our front door. You’d be surprised how the sound of a Kerry lad saying “I’m terrified it will get stuck in the letterbox” would put the lead back in your pencil.

Anyway, how do we make sure this practise is allowed to continue?

—Eddie and Therese, Magazine Road.

How many times do I have to tell you people? Giving sex advice to people over 65 is totally vom in the mouth for me. Sorry now, but it’s about as attractive as a 5-star city break in Wuhan.